I'm writing this list of things NOT to do when you break up with a girl so that no one else makes the same mistakes I did. Number 10: Don't break up with her on her birthday. I planned to take her out to the Melting Pot to ease the blow; it was just my luck that the day I picked to end the relationship was her birthday. It totally slipped my mind and it's not like I could have rescheduled, that would seem suspicious. I could have put off dumping her for another week but when you find out that your girlfriend of two years has been cheating on you with the captain of the lacrosse team, you kinda just wanna end it as soon as possible. So, I kept the reservation, got all dressed up, and met her there; knowing full well what was going to transpire.
Number 9: Don't drink so much that you become a blabbermouth. I drank way too much as we waited for our food to arrive. I guess I thought the alcohol would help calm my nerves, help me maneuver this dinner with ease. There was only one issue with my plan; I forgot that when I drank, I became a chatterbox. I lost my filter. Anything that popped into my mind I would say. Which leads me to number eight.
Number 8: Don't tell her about that dream you had where she was a zombie, and you killed her with a flamethrower. Okay, this one is extremely specific to my situation but believe me when I tell you not to mention any dreams that involve killing her, even if you don't plan on breaking up with her, because your conversation will probably go something like this.
"You've dreamt about killing me?!" Holly looked up from her phone when is said that. She had been glued to it all evening, ignoring everything I had been saying up until now.
"Yup, with a flamethrower. Which doesn't make any sense because you're supposed to destroy the zombie's brain, not burn it to a crisp? But you know, it got the job done."
"Derek, do you hear what you're saying? You sound absolutely crazy."
"Lots of people have dreams about killing zombies, you just happened to be one of them."
"You didn't try to heal me or something like that?"
"That's not how dreams work, Holly. I can't just change things like just like that," I snapped my fingers for emphasis. "It's not like real life where you can call Daddy whenever something doesn't go your way, like that bio exam last semester."
"How did you- wait. You read my diary?!"
Number 7: Don't admit to reading her diary.
"You were taking forever to get ready, and I was bored. I mean it was right there, you didn't bother hiding it-"
"That doesn't mean you have permission to read it!" she exclaimed. A couple of the other patrons glanced over at our table. Holly noticed and lowered her voice, "You had no right to do that, Derek."
Number 6: Don't tell her you think that her best friend is way hotter than her.
"Are you really worried about Michelle stealing the spotlight from you? She's your best friend, but you're so concerned with being the more appealing of the two. I don't get it." I knew I should shut my mouth, but with the copious amounts of booze flowing through my body, I couldn't stop myself. "I mean you are gorgeous, don't get me wrong but Michelle… Michelle is way hotter than you and nicer. You know one time she-"
"Derek, what the fuck?"
"How has Cupcake been? It's been forever since I saw her."
"You can't just change the subject from thinking my best friend is hotter than me to my fucking dog. What's wrong with you?"
Number 5: Don't have one of your friend's steal her dog while the break up is going down. Ok, I know what you're thinking right now. Stealing is bad. Stealing a poor girl's dog is worse but look. I bought her that dog. I practically raised that dog on my own. All Holly did was name her and carry her around in her purse when she was a puppy. Once she got too big for that, she let me do all the work. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sneak a dog into the dorm? Insanely hard. It made perfect sense that I should be the one to keep Cupcake after this breakup, but I knew Holly would never give her up. So, I arranged for my buddy Corey to nab the corgi while I broke up with Holly.
"I'm so sorry for the delay, your food will be out shortly," the waiter interrupted our conversation. "Is there anything I can get you while you wait?"
"Preston, is that you?" Damn it.
Number 4: Don't have your best friend pose as your waiter so you can make a quick getaway if needed. I was hoping to have Preston distract Holly after I broke up with her so that I could slip away unnoticed but now that Holly recognized him, that plan was shot.
"Haha, hi Holly. Long time no see!" Preston laughed, doing his best to not seem suspicious. "How've you been?" My soon to be ex-girlfriend narrowed her eyes,
"I thought you worked at Subway. What are you doing here?"
"Uh, well you know how the economy's been you gotta-" Preston fell silent as the presumed manager marched over to our table.
"Sir, I'm going to need you to come with me." My buddy didn't make any attempts to flee. He simply nodded his head and followed them towards the front door. Damn, there went my distraction.
"Derek, what is going on? Why was Preston pretending to be our waiter?"
Number 3: Don't pretend to have an obscure disease and tell her that she needs to stay away from you for her own good.
"Look, Holly, I have a disease. Preston was supposed to be my emotional support but…"
"What are you talking about?"
"You know how I studied abroad over the summer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, while I was over there I contracted smallpox. For your own safety, I think it would be best if you stayed away from me."
"Derek, you don't have smallpox. That disease is practically wiped out, are you just saying that to have some space?"
"I- I-"
Number 2: Don't pretend to be gay.
"I'm gay, Holly. I'm gay for Preston. I have to break up with you because I'm gay for my best friend." I didn't sound convincing. I knew that. I just hoped she would accept the lie and go on with her life.
"Derek, is this some sort of joke? There's no way in hell you're gay. I made a fake Tinder profile freshman year just to see who was and your name never showed up," she stared me down hoping I'd crack and tell her what was really going on. Suddenly her eyes widened, and it looked like a light bulb went off in her head. "Wait are you trying to break up with me? On my birthday?"
"Uh, yeah?" That was it. She started sobbing right there in the middle of the Melting Pot. Everyone turned their eyes to our table, wondering what on earth was going on.
"It's my birthday, Derek. How you could you do this? I thought you loved me!" she wailed, blowing her nose loudly into her napkin. I heard a couple of the other patron's grumble and saw them shake their heads in disapproval at that comment. No way. She was trying to play the victim! She was the one who cheated on me! I had to set the record straight.
Number 1: Don't stand on your chair and announce to the whole restaurant that your girlfriend cheated on you.
"You know what?" I hesitantly stood up on my chair, trying my best not to fall off. "I'd like to make an announcement." I had the whole restaurant's attention now. "I want all of you to know that, yes, it is Holly's birthday, but I was not aware of that when I scheduled this date. Yes, I know that this makes me kind of look like a douche but hear me out. She's been cheating on me for months with this dick named Brett, and I just found out about it last week." Holly's tears suddenly stopped, her face darkened.
"How the hell did you find out about that?!" she screeched. Looks like I hit a nerve. Good.
"I have my sources," I snapped back.
"I- I- I-" Holly stammered to find the right words. "I never loved you anyways!" With that she stormed out of the restaurant. It was safe to say that our relationship was over, it had crashed and burned in a Melting Pot filled with total strangers. I felt a tug on my pant leg. It was the manager yet again and he looked pissed off.
"Son, I'm gonna need you to step down from the chair."
"Yeah, sure thing." I bent down to get off but lost my balance in the process. I fell off the chair and slammed my head against the table.
So here I am three weeks later. Recovering from a concussion, single, and preparing to go to court to try and repeal the theft report Holly filed against me for stealing her dog. Heed my advice; don't do these ten things when you're breaking up with a girl or you might end up like me. Then again, I did manage to break up with her.
