Ever since I was in high school, I didn't have things I can accomplish. I didn't have friends nor did I have a support system. SO I always envied those who had friends who could back you up and fight for you no matter what.
Instead, I always tried to care less by going shopping. That was my favorite form of therapy. Indeed I felt better wearing the fabulous outfit I bought and yes, I was excited to try on the new makeup. Over the years, instead of sulking or writing out my feelings, I would go shopping and wonder what I wanted. It was never what I needed.
I recently stopped doing retail therapy, mainly because I do not want to end up broke before I even have a job. Instead, I like to walk Downtown Cleveland and people watch. Walking alone sounds lonely to most people but for me, it's very comforting. Sometimes, I walk in silence through the cold air and imagine myself being hugged by an invisible force.
Breathing in the cold air makes me feel warm because I can feel it. I know most people cannot. Going out and increasing my skills and knowledge just by talking to people makes me feel useful and smart.
I am tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to be the center of attention in my life. I would rather ask myself what I need today to fulfill my happiness. Do I really need to watch five episodes on Netflix? Do I really want to go to a cafe and be friendly to people and wave? What do I want to do today? What am I grateful for today? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I'm hard on myself.
It would be easier to pick up the phone and invite a friend out but I need to learn how to be by myself. What happens if you're not friends with them anymore and you depended on their friendship? What happens then?
I am an only child and I have learned to be fiercely independent but I know I can be clingy too. I have learned to not be as clingy and just want love. But, I would rather show myself some love first.