Here I sit, staring into the darkness of my room contemplating my life's present state, and all the decisions that lead up to it. My own insecurities and fears have done so much damage to me.

But what caused them? Time and time again, I found myself thinking of my parents’ actions, or lack there of, and how they shaped me. I felt a growing hatred for them, for their neglect and abuse and how it negatively affected me in so many ways. Didn't they see what they were doing to me?

In an effort to preserve a fractured relationship with my parents, I tried to remove as much animosity as possible, to analyze their decisions objectively. What caused them to act the way they did? As I did, I was brought back to the actions of their parents, which were cruel and selfish, as well. My grandparents molded my parents into what they are today, passing down their flaws and creating new ones in the process. So really, my parents were in the same boat I was: screwed over by their parents. Does that mean the blame lies at the feet of my grandparents, equally distributed between the four? Or what about their parents? Were they to blame for generations of dysfunction, and if so, just how far back does it go? If the blame for our faults lies on our ancestors and the trickle-down effect of bad parenting, then are we not responsible for our own actions? Based on that logic, we are helplessly reacting to the events in our life due to our genetics and upbringing.

But that can't be all there is to it. Maybe I was going about this all wrong. Looking for someone to blame my problems on solves nothing. I am not my parents or my grandparents. I have free will. I have the power to break the cycle, to rise above the circumstances in my life and chose not to react in the way I've been brought up, but logically and for the benefit of myself and those around me.

At the same time, realizing why my parents, or anyone else for that matter, act the way they do allows me to let go of the anger, and work towards a better relationship. We are all human and error comes naturally. At the same time, everyone has control over their own life. I have the power to learn from my mistakes, as well as those around me, and grow.