I was raised to be strong, independent, and overall protect myself. I grew up in a dysfunctional home just as everyone else does but I was raised with those three morals and to have those personality traits. I thought I knew how to do or be those three things so well. I mean, I literally spent 19 years being taught and shown how to do so. I felt as though I had mastered them which made my confidence soar.

I wasn't afraid of taking care of myself or fighting someone off (physically and mentally).

My confidence changed when I turned 18 and it changed fast. I found myself dating what everyone thought and most still think today is a good guy. The story between myself and "good guy" mimics others I'm sure you've heard before. He was sweet at first. After a few months things took a sharp turn followed by more sharp turns followed by the sharpest turns. I found myself in a situation that no strong, independent, able to protect herself woman should have been in. I was confused about how if I was raised with those three things, those moral codes, I ended up there. I was very fortunate to have resources and a support system to leave the relationship. Other stories don't always end like so. The side effects of this relationship didn't truly take hold until after the relationship ended. For many months I held in what I had been through. I dealt with the guilt, the shame, and the outright confusion all on my own. I was afraid like many other men and women no one would believe me.

Holding in all my emotions and thoughts surrounding what I had been through started to take a detrimental toll on all aspects of my life.

By about six months after the relationship ended I was struggling to make passing grades in school, I couldn't sleep or hardly eat, and I was completely disconnected from my world. I had gone months without seeing friends. My family couldn't even approach me without fear of backlash. My mental state began to deteriorate even farther. It was as if I lost ability to interact in a way that wasn't abusive. I woke up one day to discover I had in fact failed all but one of my classes. Everyone's response was "Whats going on with you?" "School is your strong suit" "You're wasting your time and money" "You need to figure out what's going on in your head and fix it"

What was going on in my head?

I had gone almost a year at this point dealing with the effects of an abusive relationship all on my own. I wasn't handling or processing what had happened correctly. I was too afraid of the way others would look at me. I was too afraid of the way my family would see me. It occurred to me though after hitting rock bottom that caring so much about what others thought was exactly what got me into the situation I was in. I wasn't as strong and independent as I liked to think I was. So I stopped caring what others thought but I was quickly reminded why I did care in the first place. I started sharing with my loved ones, family and friends, what I'd been through. I opened up to several people about the various details of the abuse and how it affected my thinking now that the relationship was over. Not even a month after I began sharing I was hit with a comment stopping me in my tracks. "You know you claim [boyfriend's name] molested you..." I use verbatim wording because not only is the wording ignorant but so is the comment in itself. This person did not even know that there is in fact different kinds of relationship abuse; mental, emotional, or sexual. This person had no schema of what (relationship) domestic abuse looked like. I was pissed. I was hurt. I was confused. I couldn't wrap my head around why this person wouldn't believe me. I trusted them and needed someone to confide in. Confiding in them quickly turned to hast judgements and speculations. When I decided to talk about the abuse and open up to someone, I wasn't asking for someone to figure out if it really happened or not or give me statistics about how many men and women don't get out of those relationships. I wanted someone to say, "You will get through this. It does not define you." Or something along those lines. I was overwhelmed with feeling like this was exactly the reason I did not want to talk about my abuse. I thought this for many days or even weeks.

Then I realized this is exactly why I should be talking about it.

Your schema about a topic isn't expanded unless you are exposed. There are people who are never exposed to the real effects of domestic abuse or how to handle the aftermath. I diffused my anger and hurt when I realized this. The only way for me to change that person's mind specifically and even other's minds about the reality of abuse was to talk about it. I had to continue to talk about it. I had to continue to correct people when they used the wrong wording or said phrases like "you claim". I thought defending what I had been through would be as belittling as the comments I received in return when I first opened up. For myself it did just the opposite. I felt empowered by informing people about what to say and how to say it. I felt as if I was helping them receive a long overdue education about domestic abuse and the effects of it. I also felt relief. Sharing what I had been through wasn't easy, I cried excessively at first and still do today occasionally. But a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. That weight being lifted was a result of the support I felt and the fact I wasn't carrying around a secret anymore.

What I went through should not have been or continue to be a secret.

It happened and I'm choosing to move on. I have to make that decision fresh again every day and it will always be a part of who I am but it does not have to define me. I don't need someone else to tell me that because I've decided to start telling myself. I've decided to start believing myself. It's been over a year to date since I walked away from the "good guy". I'm still trying to find who I was before then. Maybe not necessarily find her but move forward by reinventing her. Moving forward after the abuse is possible. But let it be in your own time, your own way, and be by your own volition. You're not "claiming" what you went through. You're STATING what you went through. And the condition of your future is not parallel to the condition of your past.