Lately, things have been tough for me. Actually, if I'm being honest, I have been tough for me.
I have been told by many, many people that I am my own worst enemy, which is true, especially during the past couple of weeks. Lately, I've been waking up and beating myself up; I've been saying crappy things directed at myself like, "You're not good enough." And that's just really shitty.
Of course there are far worse things that my inner bully says to me besides those four little words, but, lately, her voice just keeps getting louder and louder. So, I've decided that it's time to start telling my inner bully to sit down and shut up.
Let's just stop right there.
Bullies are hard to fight. They can be especially difficult when, looking in the mirror, your bully is the one staring back at your reflection and making nasty comments for most of your life. Bullies can be assholes, if I'm being honest, and I am the biggest asshole I know. ONLY because I am so gosh dang mean to myself. I will spare you some of the nasty comments I say to myself frequently, but if you were to say them to you, for example, you would want to punch me in the mouth.
Now, when I talk about the nasty comments I make to myself, I'm not saying that most of the time I actively go throughout my day intent on being an asshole to myself. No. That would make things much simpler actually because I could then just tell myself to knock it off.
My bully, however, is different.
She comes when I have already been knocked down and kicks me right in the stomach. She makes sure that, when I'm down, I stay down. She hones in on my weaknesses and magnifies them, but she doesn't stop there. Once she has sorted through and spotlighted all my weaknesses, she moves on to my strengths and attacks them, too; and, if my face still isn't rubbed far enough into the dirt, she moves on to attacking my integrity. As you might imagine, it's hard to live with her, and she is really starting to exhaust me. Although I am tired of her, I still struggle to tell her off.
Personally, it is really hard for me to stand up to my inner bully, because she has been with me for a long time, and she only gets louder with my eating disorder and anxiety. But you know what? I think it's about time that she takes a seat.
Although I am not very strong at it yet, I'm starting to get better at telling my inner bully to fuck off. When she tells me that I need to have my career path figured out otherwise I will be a failure, I tell myself that I have my entire life to figure out my entire life.
When she points out the weight that has come back on my bones, I remind myself that I am so much more than what my body looks like.
When she shames me for saying or doing something I should not have, I remind myself that mistakes are a great way to learn and are a reminder that I'm human.
When she tells me that I am not a good person, or that I'm not good enough, I still believe her. But I'm working on it.
You see, we always talk about bullying other people, but we rarely address bullying ourselves. I think it's about time we start.
God created us and gave us this life to live it, love it and enjoy it. God does NOT want us to be assholes to ourselves--the world does a good enough job of doing that already. When we mess up, does God look at us and say, "Wow, you're stupid, I'm going to continue to shame you and make you feel like a bad person?" No, because we are human and cannot be perfect, no matter how much we, or our bullies, want us to be.
So, if you are battling your own bully right now, I want you to know that you're not alone, but, more importantly, I want you to know that you deserve to treat yourself better. Life really is too short for us to go around hating ourselves.
