TW: domestic abuse discussion, emotional abuse, ableism, gaslighting, hurtful words. Note: This article is not meant to downplay anyone who has been physically abused. Those stories are valid. I wanted to share that abuse by words is valid, too.
I saw tons of domestic violence stories last month. Before this year, I never felt that I could identify with this month, mainly due to the misconception I held that it is always physical abuse. I recently realized that it isn't just physical.
One previous relationship I had a few years ago showed the signs. But it didn't start that way. The first couple months we dated were nothing short of incredible. During the last three months or so that we dated, it took a different turn...
I dated a man who had to know where I was going at all times, because he "was concerned for my safety." He ridiculed me for consistently wanting/ordering chicken tenders at restaurants, insisting that I order something nicer and that chicken tenders "are what little kids eat" before going out again.
At one point, he said "If we have a baby with Down Syndrome, we should put it in a nursing home." His words made my heart sink. No disabled baby or child should ever be shunned to a nursing home just for being disabled.
Towards the end of the relationship, his anger got worse. I even walked away from him after one argument because I was scared for my safety. More and more of our phone calls got heated. During one of our arguments on the phone, he called me names using some swear words.
Family and several friends warned me that his behavior was controlling, and told me to get out.
I frequently gaslit myself, thinking that I was always the problem. That I need to be better at texting back. That I need to not be so picky at restaurants. That I need to see it from his perspective.
The relationship ended on his terms, and I still cried after, despite knowing it was best.
After it ended, I finally realized that my feelings were valid. I was right to be upset at his anger, I was right to be upset about all of his hurtful comments and unreasonable demands.
I thank God that the abuse never got physical. I'm fortunate in that the relationship did not become anymore serious, and that I did not have kids with him. I am extra thankful for my current partner of over two years, who has made me feel much safer than I did with that previous partner.
Words can and are violent. Emotional abuse is real.
