Last week, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave a touching tribute to the courageous men and women who lost their lives in the fight against terrorism as employees at 7-Eleven. “I was down there,” Trump remarks, referring to being in New York at the time of the deadly attacks, “and I watch our police and our firemen on 7-Eleven down at the World Trade Center right after it came down.”
He refers to them as “the greatest people [he] has ever seen in action”; an apt remark, as those guys seem to always have plenty of pepperoni sticks in times of great need. Not to mention their 50th Anniversary Bring Your Own Cup Day, where patriotic Americans across the country could bring virtually any container that can fit underneath the Slurpee dispenser and fill it for a mere $1.50.
We don’t forgive, we don’t forget: Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven.
In February of 2013, a 7-Eleven in Phoenix, AZ, burned to the ground after the owner reported “popping noises” coming from the ceiling. What he was hearing was, no doubt, a ticking time bomb planted by Osama Bin Laden himself. By the grace of God, there were no causalities; however, a spokesman for the Phoenix Fire Department stated that, sadly, “the building cannot be salvaged.”
Only last week, a 7-Eleven store in South Abilene, TX, had $45 stolen in a stick-up robbery. Again, thankfully, there were no causalities. Whether or not the robber was associated with a terrorist organization remains unknown; however, if Mr. Trump becomes president, all sane Americans the robber should be very afraid. In Trump's own words, America needs to amp up our torture methods as we are currently “under siege,” and that the enemy “thinks we’re so stupid, you have no idea." It would be highly advisable for this ruffian, whoever he is, to relinquish his $45 and classified terrorist information before Trump has no choice but to waterboard him with a Slurpee... or "a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding" (maybe forcefeeding the poor soul with a 7-Eleven hot dog).
The most egregious event of all involves a young man falling outside of an unknown 7-Eleven and spilling his Slurpee, screaming an expletive in terror.
The Middle East as a whole is desperately trying to cover up the details, but the six-second video clearly shows the man in question being sniped at long range. There is no doubt that Mr. Trump, on the first day of his presidency, will make sure this wronged fellow gets justice; perhaps in the form of a free pizza slice or a coupon.
Trump’s undying love for this great country was made very clear in his statement about these patriotic convenience stores. The hardworking Americans of 7-Eleven serve their country well, fighting terrorism while bravely fulfilling civilian cravings for $1 taquitos. 7-Eleven represents true American values: let’s join together with President Trump and make America great again... one Slurpee at a time.
