For many victims of domestic violence, it can feel like they are living with a monster. A few years ago, I came across this great video below about how domestic violence effects the children and the partner (referred to in the video as a wife in a heterosexual relationship. It should be said that domestic violence knows no boundaries and can occur in any dynamic of intimate partners).

I think a common misconception about domestic violence is that abusers have "an anger problem." In reality, many abusers practice a good amount of self-control - especially in public.

I like to do an activity in every domestic violence support group I facilitate. The group is given a long list of abusive behaviors/tactics, including things like "destroying a photo album" and "cutting up clothes". The participants are asked to rank them from least abusive to most abusive. I usually ask them to put them in order on the first night of group and then again on the last night of group just to see what, if anything, changes. Most of the time, they put things like "the Look" and "mind games" as the least abusive behaviors, and "rape" and "murder" as the most abusive. But almost every time, by the last night of group those things have flip-flopped and many of the group members talk about "The Look" and "mind games" as being some of the scariest parts of their relationships. I have heard many stories about my clients being out in public with their partner and getting "The Look" for something that was said. It usually meant they were going to be in trouble when they got home. That is proof that this is not an anger issue.

Domestic violence is most often an issue of power and control, so having an abuser lose their cool in public would possibly alert other people to how bad it may be at home, which would mean the abuser has lost all their power and control. Having other people know is the biggest threat to an abuser. So, they often are very charming and endearing to everyone outside the home. I was speaking with someone recently about this and she shared her story, saying, "looking from the outside in, no one could have guessed what was going on".

This can make it even more difficult to leave the relationship. When an abuser acts so charming in public, victims often hear the phrase, "I had no idea" by friends and even family. Many people have that "white picket fence" presentation of their perfectly happy lives, meanwhile the monster inside the house is petrifying. But the shame and guilt about sharing their story or admitting something was not perfect can be just as scary to a victim. Sometimes, the monster in the house is less scary than the bright and sunny outside world. And that is why you could be the one person who could help someone who desperately needs it but does not know how to ask.