I don't understand God sometimes.

there. I said it.

I don't understand God sometimes.

No, that's a lie. Actually, I don't understand God a lot of the time.

Because sometimes, my world is flipped upside down and I am left there hanging by a thread. Looking up or down or all around. Trying to figure out what-in-the-world is happening.

See, He confuses me.

Loves me

Baffles me

Holds me, scares me, excites me, calls me, shocks me, fools me, fakes me, freaks me, breaks me

So, I don't understand God sometimes.

I don't understand why kids are shot at school.

Or why girls are sold into sex slavery

Or children are diagnosed with cancer

Or teens commit suicide.

Or why parents lose their jobs, natural disasters wipe our thousands, or people end up homeless.

Or why mothers die of AIDS leaving their kids to have to face the world on their own.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU SOMETIMES GOD.

And when I see the sun shy behind the waves of the water as the sky explodes with color.

Or when rain sings on old leaves.

Or when geese paint V's across the clouds.

Or when little feet dance a beautiful melody

Or when the night sky sparkles with stars like a disco ball.

Or when a little boy smiles SO BRIGHTLY... the sun has to put on shades.

I don't understand you, God.

And then there are those moments — those mysterious, magical, moments when I FEEL MY HEART FLY. Inside of me

When my soul wants nothing more than to fall to my knees and praise the one who is worthy. WHEN THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE wraps me up in the biggest, most powerful most life-giving hug imaginable. When you are closer to me than even I am to me and I hear your voice mingled with mine.

I don't understand you God in those other moments. Those menacing, morbid, moments when I feel my heart DIE inside of me. When my soul wants nothing more than to fall down and JUST. STAY. DOWN.. When those who said they liked me, loved me - hurt me and tore open my heart. Leaving me broken and empty and scared and alone.

FAR FROM YOU — but even farther from myself. Left alone. Just me and my scars.

I DONT GET YOU SOMETIMES GOD

that you would take the hand of this sinful, scared, broken person. That you would poor your heart out for this wounded heart. Because in the moments - those menacing, morbid, moments.

Every moment.

You are with me.

Beside me.

Comforting me.

Completing me.

I don't understand God sometimes.

But we have a God that is breathtaking. That is beautiful. That is loving. That is wonderful. That is powerful.

That is unchanging and true and kind and just and forgiving and fast and incredible and majestic and gentle. And deeper than depths of the seas. And grander than the highest peaks. And more intricate than the human brain. And grander than the expansive space. And older than the VERY IDEA of TIME. More [insert|word|here] than any sunset you've ever seen and more than the word MORE.

Forgive me, for giving you such a poor, small description of how incredibly AMAZING this God we have is.

He Cannot. Be. Described. and HE. LOVES. US.

This big but small, just but merciful. powerful but tender, omnipresent but personal, quiet but loud, servant but king.

Night and day, every day.

God Loves us.

I don't understand God sometimes, but I don't have to.

because his eyes are eyes of Love.

He is God.

And that is more than enough.