Like many, I am a retail survivor. I've spent the last four years of my life working at the young, hip and well-known Aeropostale. Before I start complaining, I have to be fair- retail does have its perks. The obvious employee discount, getting to hang out with co-workers, and, of course, that awesome minimum wage pay after slaving away for five hours of your Saturday. But, there are a few terrible things about working in retail as well; it can get pretty repetitive folding the same shirt over a hundred times in a five hour span. But the worst part of the job is easily dealing with customers. Of course I don’t mean the rare, “normal shoppers” of society. I’m talking about the customers who make your five hour shifts one of the most miserable and punishing experiences of your life. If you are one of these types of customers, I BEG YOU, please don’t shop anymore. Let your friend or significant other shop for you, unless they are just as terrible as you are, then I would recommend just getting hand-me-downs or online shopping so no one has to deal with you.

Here are the five kinds of customers you will have to deal with if you work in retail:

1. The Coupon-Crazed Shopper

Don’t get me wrong, as a college student who struggles just to buy food that isn’t microwavable, I completely understand the concept of trying to save money. However, at some point, the crazy moms and cheapskates of the world need to realize that saving $5 isn’t worth it when you have to spend $50 on needless things. Also, if you are a coupon crazed shopper, please don’t ask me if we have a coupon and then accuse me of hiding it from you. I don’t gain anything from not giving you a coupon, but if you keep that attitude up, I promise you that I will rip one up in front of you in the most passively aggressive way possible.

2. The Vent-About-Life Shopper

It is awesome having a job where you are paid to meet new people. The retail sales floor is just as social as a frat basement. That being said, there are still some things that retail workers just don’t want to know about you considering you're only just meeting. For example, as much as I want your sale, I don’t want to know that your son is having girlfriend troubles or the fact that you share the same awkward birthmark on your butt as your sister. There are people who you can pay to listen to your problems. Seeing as you don’t pay my salary nor do I get a commission for dealing with you, I have absolutely no reason to listen to you. Believe it or not, there are many other things that I would rather be doing than this.

3. The Indecisive Shopper

From experience, these are hands down some of the worst shoppers to deal with. If you are one of these shoppers, I strongly urge you not to shop. These indecisive shoppers are usually some of the sweetest people, however, they have no idea what they need. The conversation starts with “what size would you recommend?” and progresses to “I don’t think this is for me.” They’ll make you run around the store to find different colors or sizes. The worst part is that there is no winning with these kinds of shoppers. If you don’t help them, you will need to follow them while cleaning their mess throughout the entire store. When you finally try to be a productive worker and sell to them, they'll send you on a wild goose chase for a mythical article of clothing that is lost in the crevices of the stock room. All this, only to be sent back and forth looking for clothes they “want,” but don’t really end up buying. If you are currently in retail and deal with a customer like this, I wish you the best of luck. My advice to you -- learn how to be patient, or just start drinking on the job.

4. The Non-English-Speaking Shopper

Now, this is not something people can control. There have been countless times that I've been minding my own business, only to feel a tugging on the back of my shirt. I’ll turn around to find a short older woman who doesn’t know a single word of English, but needs my help. Of course, being the responsible employee that I am, I have to help this poor old lady. After a long game of charades, I can finally help her find the mens large shirt for her 5-year-old granddaughter. I’m terrible at charades. I would absolutely love to learn how to speak other languages, but seeing that my weekly Taco Bell budget is preventing me from purchasing a Rosetta Stone, I think I might need to work on my charades skills.

5. The "I’m Above Your Company’s Policy" Shopper

These customers can be spotted from a mile away. Simply look for the person who walks into the store like they are God’s gift to the Earth. If you are one of these customers, you probably already know it. If you aren’t yet aware, ask yourself this simple question: “Have I been kicked out of a store before?” If you answered yes, congrats! You are an entitled customer. There really is no way of dealing with these customers; an alpha-male contest will usually ensue to see who has the bigger stick. It’s a matter of how determined you are to not let this customer have their way or how stubborn they are in completely ignoring your company’s policy. Either way, these customers hold a special place in my heart. I, for one, love yelling for absolutely no reason to let off some steam after a stressful week. Thanks to these customers, I have an "excuse" to yell at work without looking like an absolute lunatic. So, entitled shoppers, please come shop, but only in moderation.

6. The Shoplifter Shopper

This is honestly my favorite type of shopper. The amount of effort and ingenuity used to rob a store for a shirt that was made in china for five cents is commendable. Yes, I see you carrying a bag from a store that isn’t in this mall. Yes, I see that you magically switched clothes that you tried in the fitting room like those mind boggling magic acts. Come on, that is a dope $100 bill with Donald Trump’s face on it, but sorry, I can’t accept that almost-real-looking money. You shoplifters give me life, a breath of fresh air. I used to feel like part of the secret service calling my manager over the headset as we would hunt down the morbidly obese middle aged man stealing women’s shirts. The rush these customers will give you will keeps you young.

Whatever type of shopper you are, I will most likely shirk my responsibility to help you. On the off chance that I do help you, please don’t be one of the customers I’ve mentioned. I ask on behalf of all those who have worked in retail, those who are working in retail, and those who will work in retail.