A Different Kind Of Motherly Love

A Different Kind Of Motherly Love

Dedicated to my mother
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Parents are a blessing because they are the only people in the world that will love, support, guide and be honest with you, no matter the circumstances. My childhood was extremely playful and exciting, thanks to them and my two siblings.

I always felt the happiest and the most loved when there was affection between me and the family. My dad was always the most affectionate, with endless hugs and kisses, however, my mother always had a different way of showing love.

My mother is the most courageous, bold and independent woman I have met in my life. She always has a goal in life, she searches for new things to do and learn. She is my family's fairy godmother because she devotes all her time making sure her children are happy, healthy and determined.

My mother believes that no matter how hard things get in life, continue to remain a fighter.

Don't stop, keep making progress because you will eventually get there. It was a way of reminding me that I will be a confident and independent woman on my own two feet.

So, her way of showing love was through verbal encouragement and the occasional pat on the back. She doesn't like hugs or kisses, she prefers a good high five or a fist pump. What I can recall from my memory, I have seen my mother cry once in life, and that was when her parents visited the US for the very first time.

My mother and I never had a close relationship like that sort I saw in my friends and their mothers. I would see them go shopping, share secrets and do a bunch of girly things. I once tried to ask my mother about her teenage years, and all she said was "it was great' and chose not to share anything else.

She prefers to be more stern and forceful, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She doesn't sugarcoat anything, she remains utmost honest and critical because it's all out of love. That close feeling that I wanted for so long occurred the day I was leaving for college.

It was a rainy day at around 5 a.m. in Houston. I was ready in the car to be driven to the airport. I was excited and nervous. Everyone emotionally broke down in my family, except my mom. She remained strong like she always has been.

I waved her goodbye and we left.

Just as we were about to exit outside of the gated community, I requested my father to stop and turn around the car because I wanted to see mom again. There she was, standing right there with her arms open. I ran towards her and hugged her so tight after so many years. I said, "I love you mom and I will be your brave daughter".

Love can come in many different shapes and forms and our bond may not be the typical mom and daughter story, but I'm thankful for what she has sacrificed for me and hope to resemble the woman my mother is.

Cover Image Credit: Photo taken by Maya Moujaes

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Just Know That Grief Comes In Waves

My mother's birthday was September 14th and this year it was the hardest year since her death.

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Grief on a loved one's birthday feels like a different kind of loss. Sure, you'll get the same feelings of loss and thoughts flooding your mind about all the things they've missed, but it feels different. I can't really put it into words all that well because I'm going through the same feelings right now as I write this on September 14th.

My mom passed away a week before Thanksgiving in 2015. She was pronounced brain dead two days earlier. It's still hard. The grief comes in waves, and I can be smiling and happy one moment and the next my anxiety gets a hold of me, and I'm sobbing. There were so many things I wish I could tell my mom or ask her. I can ask now, but I feel as if I'm speaking into oblivion. The hardest part about going through her birthday as if it's just another day is having all those thoughts I had running through my head the day she died, run through my head with perfect recall. I see everything all over again, and it hurts so bad.

At some point, the thoughts stop or slow down, but only for a moment. Everything I thought or felt during that week is brought up all over again in my head. Everything I did comes back with perfect recall. It's as if I'm watching a movie screen of my life through my eyes during only those moments. The day before she was pronounced brain dead, I visited her. She was talking to me, and we were watching a couple of movies (I didn't have a job at the time, and I wasn't in school, so I spent the day there with her). During the movie Brave (my mother loved children's films and sometimes preferred to watch those over other films), there's a part where Merida is worried she was too late to save her mom and that now she's stuck as a bear forever. I never cried during that movie, but during that part, I cried. I felt that I was losing my mom in the same way Merida thought she was losing her mom. After my mom died, I couldn't watch that movie for a good while, and there are still many movies that I can't watch without crying. That day I spent with my mom felt like I wasn't going to see her again. I picked my brothers up from school that day and considered going back to see my mom. I didn't. That's my biggest regret when it comes to my brothers and my mom. They hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks.

The grief comes in waves; it always will. Many people tell you it gets better, but it doesn't; you just have good days or awful ones (today is a particularly bad day for me because I can barely write this without having tears clouding my vision). The only thing I can think of to help ease the pain is to spend your time with family or people that will make you happy or smile. The death of loved ones is especially hard when you were very close to them.

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