People who know me well can describe me as happy, bright and funny--someone who is a good listener and an even better friend. While I may have some really amazing people in my life, some of whom I've known for a long time, they don’t really see the side of me I tend to hide for good reasons. There is a reason why I can be very outgoing and the life of the party one minute and huddled in the corner quiet as a mouse the next minute.
What I want people to understand is that there are days when I will sit and overthink everything in my life, and sometimes something as simple as going out to dinner with friends--even at work or in class--can trigger it. I could see something on social media and it will stop me in my tracks and make me lay in bed the rest of the day sickened with overwhelming guilt about things in my life.
Just because something doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean I can deal with it on the same level.
I recognized this the other day when my brother and his friends were dogging me about my boyfriend and I finally snapped on them. They used the words “we were just kidding” as if that would make everything better. What my brother said to me is what caught my attention more. “It’s really not that big of a deal”
Not that big of a deal. Not THAT big of a deal.
To Me.
The me who cannot get out of bed some days because of the things you make fun of me about. But it’s not that big of a deal. It seems like people think I can handle things the same way as them and have the same outcomes, but every single person on this planet is different. So sure, maybe in your mind you can deal with your friends belittling me and can laugh along, but in my mind it’s a whole different story.
It feels like I have let the whole world down because I’m not doing things that everyone else is telling me to do. Part of me wants to stand up to them and tell them to suck it, but a much larger part consumes me and makes me sit in self-pity and makes me fragile. Makes me feel like I can never accomplish anything. Makes my mind battle things a thousand times a minute trying to figure out what I did wrong—believing I did something wrong when in reality everything is fine and it’s just a joke to you.
But to me, it’s something that you many never understand because you aren’t in my shoes.
So don’t tell me to get over it or deal with it, because it may not bother you, but it sure as hell bothers me. More than you will ever know.
