Let me start off by clearly stating that I love my big, crazy, different family and that I would never ever, not even for a single second, think about trading them or wishing for something more "normal." My family fits me. After all, I guess that's why they're my family.
But, growing up and going through the motions of having divorced parents, and then finding myself lucky enough to eventually have step-parents and siblings, can change the way you look at some things -- especially the way you feel about love and the idea of a family.
family
[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]
noun
a. a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not
b. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor
For what seems like ages, the idea of the "perfect" American family consisted of a stay-at-home mother (probably wearing pearls and kitten heels), a working father (with a brown leather briefcase), 2.5 children (however that works), and a cute, fluffy dog (probably named Buddy or Max) all living in a moderately sized home with a white picket fence.
Turns out, the "American Dream" family route wasn't for me. My immediate family growing up consisted of a hardworking mother and step-father, a hardworking father (who did have a briefcase) and step-mother, and about 11 years into my stardom as an only child, three younger siblings came along. While it hasn't always been easy having more immediate family members than what's considered "normal," the way I've learned to see it is: the more family I have, the more love surrounds me.
When I put it that way, it sounds pretty good -- actually, it sounds great. And while my childhood was better than most that come from situations involving divorce, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. Transitioning from one parent's house to the others and splitting holidays got old after a while. And of course, all the emotions that hit the child (or children) of the divorced parents came too.
And after many years of trying to figure myself out, I realized that growing up with divorced parents, in the long run, has made me stronger as an individual. I value family and love in a way that a lot of others do not.
However, valuing love differently than others hasn't necessarily always been a gift. I realized after awhile that while I loved the idea of someone loving me, I was scared of it too. And after I stopped resisting someone and became somewhat at ease with the idea of letting them in, I became wholeheartedly invested in seeing where things could go, and when things didn't go well, being wholeheartedly invested was not good at all.
So after acknowledging that I was scared, I wanted to figure out what I was scared of exactly. Lack of communication. Miscommunication. That was it. Miscommunication of any kind. Why? Because some kind of miscommunication is what made me a child of divorce to begin with.
After a little bit of loving, living, learning, and having my heart stomped on, it's hard to stay positive when it comes to love. But pitying myself won't do me any good. I'm not the only kid who had divorced parents. I'm not the only one who thinks this way because of it. It's harder than usual to stay positive because I've seen firsthand how love gone wrong can struggle, end, and affect others, but I know that it's more than necessary.
One day, my fear of miscommunication, over-the-top love for my big family, and walls of resistance won't scare someone away. Who knows, the person in my future may even think like me too. I know I'm not alone in this. But for now, at least I've (somewhat) figured it out for myself.
"The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered, there is opportunity for growth." --Unknown
