Painful and necessary: those words describe most breakups these days. There’s no doubt that breakups suck. There are bad breakups and worse breakups… and “going to hell and back” breakups. Breaking up with someone you’re still in love with is possibly the worst of them all. There are a thousand and one reasons relationships simply don’t work out. Some are true and some are just excuses to get you out of some mess you’re in. Among the long lists of reasons to part is the line, “I love you with all of my heart, but this is for the best…” I’m not sure if this is the honest truth or something we tell ourselves to get us through and lessen the blow. I do know one thing: no matter what, breakups are never mutual.
Love is a concept thrown around and given away like free samples at your local Sam’s Club… we’re all guilty of it. Whether that is true love or not, well, I wouldn’t really know. What I do know is the difference between love and possession. Possession and love get confused for one another all of the time, and sometimes the two overlap.
One day you look across the classroom and there’s a guy who, until now, you found to be a complete pest, and above all else, simply annoying. You do everything in your power to get closer to him… time your walk in the morning to sync up to his, move to the front of the classroom because “you’re too distracted in the back,” make a habit of being in the same place at the same time, and think about how you guys would be together every moment of every day. If you’re lucky, he’ll begin to feel the same way, and one day you’ll decide to pursue a relationship.
In my personal opinion, the beginning is always the best, the nervousness of, “What if I accidentally burp in front of him?” or, “Do I look like I’m trying too hard?” A few more months pass and you’re meeting his family, going to dinners, and all feels right in the world as long as you’re by his side. More than likely, you’re in love and maybe you don’t get butterflies (they’re overrated anyways), but you know when you know. Everything feels perfect. Nothing is more wonderful than knowing you are cared for in every way and for everything, no matter what.
A year or so passes. The “honeymoon” phase is over, but you’ve never been more in love than you are right now. All of the late nights, coffee runs, movie marathons and even the crazy fights are worth every second. You start to plan a future together and children you never wanted. You now share the same dreams. Christmases, Thanksgivings, Valentine’s Days and multiple birthday celebrations are spent together. You're trying to organize how long you’ll be at this place and that place. It seems like a headache right now, but you’ll miss it. Sometimes you just watch them sleep, because nothing could ever be more beautiful than this.
I’ve heard all good things must come to an end, but I always thought that was some crap line pessimists always fed you. I thought my happily ever after would never come to an end, especially by my own hand. Here’s the thing about love and possession: nobody ever tells you how bad possession can screw up love. However, I can tell you how it ruined everything I had. I saw and noticed every girl that checked him out, said hello or simply just smiled, and it drove me absolutely crazy. Instead of simply getting jealous and brushing it off and knowing that he wasn’t ever going to leave my side, it had a psychotic effect on me. I would yell and scream at him for my own issues with jealousy and blame everything on his doings. I ignored everything I did wrong and played the victim. I was slowly draining my relationship and didn’t even realize what was happening. The fights came more often and more severe, leaving a bitter air between us, and I was the one to blame. Eventually, like all good things, this love came to an end.
A possessive mindset caused me to lose everything I had. The worst part about breaking up when you still care is knowing that when he finds his next love, it will be for good. After all of the pain you have put him through, he sure as hell won’t go through that again, and he’ll be careful this time. When he meets her, she will have everything you had and more. What was once yours will no longer be shared between just the two of you, and you’ll watch him fall in love. No matter how many times I say I want the best for him, part of me always wishes it had been me.
The difference between love and possession is simple. Love is selfless, supportive and always encouraging. Love requires both parties to give their all, not just one. At the end of the day, love will truly give you all you need, but possession will leave you broken and looking for what you once had. There is nothing but pain with possession.
