As you might know, this past weekend Chicago was home to the cultural experience of the music festival Lollapalooza. I heard that it was supposed to be filled with incredible artists like Paul McCartney and Metallica. Throughout the years, I have seen the elated hype around Lolla. Finally, being at the age where I could enjoy it, I wasn’t going.
Who wants to stand around in a crowd of loud, overly energetic “young adults?” It doesn’t make sense. Why would I go downtown to stand with that crowd instead of going downtown to explore it? I don’t understand that. So. Speaking of standing around, I realized that it was going to be outside, which means ultimate sunlight. Applying sunblock is laborious! Think about it, trying to apply it without missing is a pain. Who wants to stress over sunblock? I’ll just stay in the air-conditioned home, thank you very much.
Also, have you thought about the basic elements of existing? For example, what if I get tired and need to sit down? I would have to give up my spot, and let’s face it, it would have been a great spot! Anyways. Aside from finding a seat, think of our bodily needs! Yeah, there are portable bathrooms, but…no thank you. I’ll stay at home. Musical festivals like Lollapalooza put us through unnecessary life-tests and I, for one, would rather not take them.
There’s another thing that I thought long and hard about. How would you dress to go? I know, I know, it’s a superficial question, but it’s a legitimate one! I thought that I had to make a flower crown or get a fanny pack, or get some of those cut-off shorts. Fine, yeah, I’m stereotyping. My bad. What ends up happening is that in the middle of a crowd with thousands of people, it won’t matter what I wear! I would’ve just ended up sweating through it. Again, who wants to stand in the middle of dripping people? Not me. I’ll stick to my sweatpants and air conditioning.
Aside from everything, the most important reason why I didn’t go? The musical line up. I got to admit not having control over the songs that the artists perform really gets me. I got so used to Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube’s On-Demand control command. As a young adult, I like to control my musical choices at all times. Think about this: I pay good money to attend Lolla, only to hear none of my favorite songs! That makes no sense to me!! I’ll stick to my fully charged electronic device playing Enrique Iglesias’ top hits. In other words, I’ll just stick to hearing music through my headphones, away from everyone and in my climate-controlled atmosphere.
Yeah, musical festivals aren’t my scene.
But…on a serious note…
I just didn’t get tickets.
They sold out as soon as I got on…
Unfortunately.
It might have been fun…
Hey, Lolla, I’ll see you next year!
This is a satirical article.
