As discussed in some of my previous articles, I haven’t had a traditional love life or dating experience. Nor have I ever been conventionally pretty or had an “attractive” body type. This is nothing new; all my life I’ve been somewhere between plus size (a label we all need to stop using because there’s nothing wrong or other with being larger than a size 12 or 14) and “normal.” I could always go into the same stores as my friends and maybe find one or two things that fit OK, but my shopping experiences were never like theirs. It got to the point where I stopped shopping with friends all together. Yes, I would go to the mall with them and check stores out and try a few things on but always with the knowledge that I probably wouldn’t be buying anything.

This got really frustrating. All I wanted in middle school was to be able to go to a big department store with my friends and buy dresses for the eighth grade Valentine’s Dance together. But I couldn’t do that because the stuff at those stores didn’t fit me the way it fit them. Middle school is rough for everyone when it comes to body image. You’re hitting puberty and your body is growing and changing faster than ever before. No one looks great. But there are some who definitely look better than others. I had everything working against me appearance-wise: I had glasses and braces, was overweight and rocked "triangle hair" until I was 13. I didn’t grow up cute or pretty by any stretch of the imagination.

But I did grow up loved. Because I wasn’t a good-looking kid, I had to find other reasons to like myself and for other people to like me. So even though I didn’t get asked out on dates in high school, and I wasn’t one of the cute volleyball girls in middle school, I was friends with pretty much everyone and grew to be the glue that held our friend group together. Although I’ve never been 100 percent confident with my body, I’m more often than not 99 percent confident with who I am as a person. And I think a lot of my confidence in my personality and my abilities has to do with my lack of confidence in my looks. I had to figure out who I was to come to terms with how I looked. I had to find reasons to like myself and believe in myself that didn’t hinge on how many guys thought I was pretty or how many school dances I had a date to.

This started really early; in elementary school I was smart, and I was encouraged to work hard and study and learn as much as possible. I did, and I loved it. I’ve always loved school and learning. There’s something about being in a place where all you’re expected to do is try your best to learn as much as you can about as much as you can that I always found exciting and comforting. So I thrived in school. I was smart, and I liked that about myself.

When moving on to middle school, I went through a big transition. I was going from a tiny private school to a regular public middle school, so there were a lot of changes and new experiences on my horizon. I didn’t know anyone at this new school, but I knew I wanted to make friends and have a good time. Because I didn’t know anyone, I had the chance to get to know everyone. I was nice to everyone I met, and wound up with friends in art, band, sports and theater; I bounced from group to group getting along with pretty much everyone even if we weren’t close friends. Of course, no one really knows who they are when they’re 12, but as I spent time with all these different groups of people I was starting to figure out who I was and whom I wanted to spend time with. I had some toxic friendships that are now over, but I also made some friends who will be there for the rest of my life.

I have some insecurities about the way I look—as do all of us. Even though I have a real haircut now and exercise regularly and eat healthier, I still love wearing my glasses. And a part of me will always be the chubby girl with uncool glasses, braces, bad hair and acne. But more importantly than my insecurities, I’ve taken with me a developed sense of self. I had to develop a unique sense of style because I couldn’t shop at the stores targeted to my age group. I also had to learn who I was so that I could learn to like who I was. In doing that, other people started to like me, too. But even on my worst day, I know that the people in my life who love me do so for who I am, not for how I look or what I can do for them.

We should all love our bodies and treat them with care and respect; they allow us to do some amazing things. But self-confidence shouldn’t be entirely dependent on appearance. Yes, days when you’re feeling yourself are awesome, and we should all have more of them. But it’s also great to be feeling yourself when it comes to your abilities and who you are as a person. Not growing up pretty taught me a lot about who I am. And at the end of the day, even though I may not always love the way Marley Foster looks, I’m almost always happy with who Marley Foster is. And that’s something we should all have a little more of in our lives.