So, recently I've been doing a bit of a social media sweep. I've been going through my old Facebook pictures and posts, and basically deleting all of the embarrassing bits... which is almost everything between the years of 2012 and 2014. I was always a strange kid. As a child I was constantly crying over something stupid and I wasn't very good at making friends. Everywhere I went, I carried a book, and in every moment of silence or boredom, I read it. Reading was the one thing that made sense to me. It had structure, and meaning, and the stories were almost always better than my reality. Not in a "my life sucks" kind of way, but rather in a "my life is kind of boring, and these stories aren't" kind of way. I think there was always a part of me that wanted to be a character in a book. So, when I did make friends I made friends like me. But for some reason, I never really picked the right ones.

In elementary school, I had a pretty solid group of friends. We were all shy and imaginative and for the most part we got along relatively well. Sometimes we were mean to each other, but that's how kids are. I recognize now that I was probably the worst of the bunch. I was kind of a dramatic child, and I honestly can't blame them for dropping me as soon as we got to Middle School. I feel no anger or malice towards any of them. They are all amazing girls who have gone on to do amazing things, and I am so thankful for the memories we have made together.

In Middle School, I made a new group of friends. These friends were different from my elementary school friends, and more like me. We stayed friends for a long time, and I'm honestly not really sure when we stopped being friends. Some I've kept longer than others, and some I still like. Regardless, all of them are good people. They are kind, smart, and ambitious, but we weren't meant to be friends. I thought that these friends would be better for me, and in some ways they were, and in some ways they weren't. Two of the friends I made would go on to be life long friends of mine who I love with my whole heart, and the others were incredibly toxic to me. Again, they aren't necessarily bad people, but they weren't good friends for me. We all liked reading, and we liked to read the same things. We all became really into "The Hunger Games" and the movie franchise. Our entire friendship seemed to revolve around what we liked, rather than who we are. All we talked about were fictional characters, fictional worlds, and fictional stories. Nothing was real. Once I started moving on from the "The Hunger Games" craze, I realized I didn't have a real connection to any of these girls. We just liked the same things and spent all of our time talking about it. Whenever I tried to talk about my day, play rehearsals, or marching band, they would ignore me and talk about something else. They didn't come to any of my plays, concerts, or any other performances I had because they didn't care. They just wanted to sit at home and talk about Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, or how Elizabeth Banks was perfect for the role of Effie Trinket, and how Seneca Crane was horribly portrayed. It got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I realized that our entire friendship was centered around us liking the same things, rather than our personalities being compatible, and they weren't.

Then the group didn't just dissolve, it exploded.

Two of the girls got in a major fight and sides had to be chosen, but I didn't want to pick a side. I wanted to opt out. Neither side wanted to hear about my day, or wanted to see my plays. Neither side acted like friends should. I wasn't in the stage of my life anymore where I was okay without emotionally engaging with my friends or having intellectually stimulated conversations. I wanted the friendships I saw all around me. I wanted friends who knew my favorite foods, or my coffee order for when I was running late, or any of my interests other than reading mediocre young adult fiction.

I fell into a funk. I was already borderline depressed and didn't really want to spend any time with my friends. I was beginning to recognize their toxicity, and didn't really want any part of it. So, I shoved all of my time into extracurriculars. I was already a part of theater, marching band, chorus, and student council, but I began to devote nearly all of my time and care to these clubs. In doing so, I was creating a barrier between myself and my friends, which I recognize is an absolutely terrible thing to do, but I was desperate, and I liked the feeling of being busy and needed. Once I began to put more time and effort into these clubs, I started to make new friends. As time went on, I realized that these friends wanted to know about my day. They wanted to support me. They wanted to talk about things that had meaning. And even though we might not have liked all of the same things, our personalities worked together really well. All of these people were people I found myself wanting to spend time with, which was a relatively new concept to me. I wanted to stay up late and talk about life and the future with my new friends, I didn't feel scared to tell my new friends about things that were meaningful to me, and they felt the same way about me.

Yet for some reason, I felt incredibly guilty for spending time with them. I felt like I was cutting off my old friends when they didn't deserve to be cut off. I felt like I was the one in the wrong. But the truth is, all of us were in the wrong. We all falsely believed that a friendship based exclusively off of various fandoms could thrive. I'm not suggesting that being friends with people that like the same things as you is wrong. I'm not at all suggesting that friendships formed around fandoms are toxic, but they can be. If you don't talk about anything of substance, if you don't emotionally support each other, if you ignore clashes in personality, only then does the relationship become toxic.

So, as I went through my old pictures and was transported back to the memories I had with this group of friends, I had a cluster of emotions whirling around tirelessly in my head. I felt incredibly guilty and horrible for not remaining in touch. I felt like a bitch for cutting some of them off completely. Yet I felt disdain for how they made me feel inadequate. I felt anger for all of the performances they missed. And I felt disgust for the terrible jokes they made at each others' expense. But I also looked at these pictures and remembered that it wasn't always bad. I smiled, remembering the times we walked three miles to the mall. Remembering the cringey photo booth pictures we took in Best Buy, and the countless sleepovers where we stayed up too late to play "Just Dance". We had a lot of great memories, and I don't regret a single moment I spent with them. But our time is over. There comes a time where every High School friend group must dissolve, and that time has passed for us. I will look back on our times together, and smile, but none of us are the same people anymore. We all grew up and moved on to new things. I have my new friends, and you have yours, and I think we all can admit that we're better off. Some of you I dearly miss, and have nothing but love to send your way. But we simply grew out of each other.

Despite all of my years feeling like a terrible friend, I realize now that I didn't become cocky, I just grew up.