An Open Letter to my High School,

Let me start off by saying these thoughts are entirely subjective based on my experience. High school I find can be one of two things–– a blast or a pain in the ass, depending on who you are. As a disclaimer this is my experience and I understand if you don't feel the same way.

For the most part I have floated my way through high school, never quite fitting into any group or clique or whatever you want to call it. And to all of you who think “there really aren’t cliques in our school” I have news for you, you're in one. These cliques are rock solid, they were formed day one in preschool and haven’t changed that much since. I find that only outsiders looking in can see them for the most part, and once you're in one, the barriers seem to fade. But for me the ice cold barriers are as solid as brick walls and no matter how hard I try to break through, they won’t budge.

Sure I have fit into them sporadically throughout these four years, for example during the middle of soccer season I didn’t have much trouble sitting with the other girls on the team at lunch, and partially being included in their conversations. But over time as soccer ended and basketball began I lost my link with them, to the point where I was sitting at the end of the table quietly for the majority of my lunches. No longer did those people notice that I was there. I simply faded into the background as they continued their lives. To be straight with you I understand that girls in high school have busy lives and won’t commit to plans that aren’t spoon-fed to them or with their “day one,” but you didn’t have to rub it in that I wasn’t her.

Maybe you truly didn’t notice me or maybe you just didn’t care but when there was parties and events that everyone else at the table was invited to and that you would talk and make jokes about, that I was never going to understand, that was cruel. I don’t know to what degree it was intentional but regardless, it hurt.

To be honest, had I been invited I probably would have gone and realized how little I was missing and left not too long after. Or maybe I would have stayed, partied and shown you all that I am actually a lot of fun, but I guess we’ll never know.

One time I did get up the courage and crashed one with a friend of mine after homecoming. After a rude greeting and a little name dropping I was left alone by the host, only to be awkwardly stared at by everyone who was not yet drunk, in a “wtf is she doing here” kind of way. So I poured soda into a red solo cup and in my sobriety observed my surroundings and how everyone was interacting. I figured, screw it I’m probably never going to be at another one of these things with these people, so I might as well get a feel for what it's like this time around. And I did. And then I left, never to return to another one, since.

If you are one of these people who goes to parties and knows what that's like, answer me this. Is it even fun anymore? To go to someone’s basement with cheap booze and some pot and party with the exact same people as you did a couple of weeks ago, at the last party. Isn’t it more fun when someone new shows up and you get to party with them and have it be not as monotonous? I guess no one's ever wondered what it would be like to see me or the other half of the school that’s never invited, drunk. Your loss.

I bet some of you have never even noticed the wine sticker on my car, but yes my mom sells wine and alcohol for a living. Something else I bet you didn’t know, is that my house is chock full of it. Ironically, I think if one person from the senior class was going to have a really awesome house party, it would be me. The girl with tons of available liquor and no one to share it with, and who’s never been invited to a party. Honestly even if you were just using me to get to the alcohol, the first person I’d invite to a party if I was any of you, would be the girl with a basement full of booze that could hook you up. But I guess that’s just my logic.

With that being said I’ll leave you with this. Karma’s a b****. Not that I’m ill wishing on anyone but I believe what you dished out will come back to you. For some it will kick you in the ass and for others it will reward you, but no matter what, you will get what's yours. If that scares you then you may want to consider living your life a little differently. To my fellow seniors, it has been quite the ride over the last 13 years but let me be the first to say that all of you taught me a lot. About myself, about how to and how not to treat others, how to be an individual who doesn't need her other friends to accompany her to the bathroom, how to stick up for myself and others who I care about, how to listen all the time and actually hear what people are saying to me, how to and how not to be a real friend, and lastly how to forgive and move on. So thank you for all of that.

Your fellow Senior