Living in my own skin at 22 years is still as hard as it was for me at 6 almost 7. I am not sure why there are some parents that so desperately felt the need to put our children in boxes. I for one am in the different box. Given that definition as a kid. I was weird, the outcast but for some reason attached myself to the everything is fine group. I was the kid that never cared about what people thought of me. Elementary school I wore two different shoes to school. Willingly. I talked to the lamp posts as I walked to my school every morning as if they were my long lost pals. Yup, I was that kid. Middle school rolled around and I (once again, willingly) slicked my hair into a mo hawk using three tubes of hair gel. Even posted a "sneak peek" on Facebook before my big debut. At the end of every year, my yearbook would read....
"Dear C3C3 (Yes my E's were 3's after a movie I had seen, allowed it to be implemented into my non-movie like life)
Never stop being who you are!
You inspire me!"
Did I ever read these words for what they truly mean? No of course not. I was 13 and I was just happy I actually had people sign my yearbook.
High school came around. You think I stayed true to my weird spontaneous self? Nope. I conformed. I blended in. I began dabbling in makeup, sucking in my stomach to look smaller in photos, and holding my head below eye level so attention wouldn't be dragged to me. Yes I was still a little out there but on a much smaller scale. I still talked to people, made myself known in class especially with my teachers and I slid bye. My friends are really the only people that I could be myself around. I loved to make them laugh and in turn make myself laugh. Mostly because I SWORE we could have had a TV show. A TV show that would do better than Kylie Jenner's show that only lasted one season. I prided myself on my own stupid moments, because that is what they were...stupid moments. My failures, my embarrassments, and my low self esteem turned into comedy show and for the time being I was fine.
Coming to college I wanted to change who I was. I wanted to reinvent myself. Move past my "stupid moments" especially the ones revolving my poor choices in life. Physically and mentally. I grew a new layer around C3C3 and called her Ciara. I was no longer the joke as I was now the new and improved me. Of course I knew people don't change overnight but the reality was I didn't care. I lived by the day and that is all that mattered. This is all before I joined a Greek Organization and had everyone know who I was.
How does Homecoming Queen come into all of this?
More than anything I wanted to apply to be Homecoming Queen of Kean University. Not for nothing but I just wanted to be a princess. That would have been good enough for me. Not realizing how many people cared about me everyone voted for me. I am not sure anyone actually read my submission but I made sure all 21 of my sorority sisters read it by putting the entire submission in our group chat. One of my sorority sisters also had an entire photo shoot for me, so I could make flyers with my face along with my curly hair plastered on all of them. Next thing I know, every Snapchat story is my face, every Instagram story is my face. I was so overwhelmed, the limelight was definitely not for me. Not on a college scale at least. Leading up to Homecoming I would have people I had previously passed by on the way to class stop me and tell me they voted for me. People that would have not said two words to me previously, tapped me on the shoulder and tell me they voted for me. I truly had no idea how serious everyone took the elections. Even my twin, who is studying abroad in CHINA, was holding it down and got all of the students there to vote for me. She was so confident that I was going to win, but in reality now, I did not want to win. I wanted to hide under a rock and miss Homecoming all together. The day of Homecoming rolled around and...the entire day...I wanted to vomit. I was so hopeful that my mom and sister were going to be in the stands for moral support but unfortunately there was a miscommunication which resulted in them not being there.
Halftime was here. I walked out onto the field with the woman I was running against and the homecoming king...since he ran alone. Both of us are curly haired queens but all week I was contemplating straightening my hair. I decided I felt more comfortable with my curls and threw my hair up into a bun. She on the other hand had BEAUTIFUL LONG STRAIGHT HAIR....even her curls were beautiful but she straightened her hair. She was super involved and I was starting to believe if I won it would be just because I am in Greek life and have the students in China voting for me. We lined up into a line. The announcer prepared the crowd for what was about to happen. I had my supportive sisters patiently waiting in the stands while my big had my twin on face time since she couldn't be here in person. My heart was in my stomach. I had to count to 10 to remember where I was I was so nervous and scared and anxious all in one. The announcer explained the second runner up was the true queen next to me. I am still in disbelief almost 3 weeks later. A tiara was placed on my head I was handed flowers and I had to introduce myself to the crowd. Nervously I explained who I was, my major and my position in my organization. STILL in disbelief.
