Out of all the things in the world, failure is my biggest fear. Failing a quiz or test is pretty up there, but not meeting the expectations I set for myself (or those set by others) is enough to set me into a tailspin.
So, if failure is something I'm so afraid of, why do I constantly set myself up for it?
Some say it's because I have unrealistic expectations (which is very true) and others say I'm simply too "uptight" for everything around me.
Even though both of these opinions may be true, I've come to realize this is simply how I am. I naturally expect perfection in everything I do, so if I come up any less, I see it as a failure or a lost cause. I think in very black and white terms with very little room for gray.
I don't think I fully became aware of this until I realized how much it was negatively affecting my life, and that's where OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder) came into the picture.
And honestly, everything makes so much more sense now. From elementary school to the present day, I can see every part of this disorder in myself.
With my previous diagnoses of anxiety, depression and an eating disorder, I refused to believe that was my reality. I didn't believe it was true. WIth OCPD, I accepted the diagnosis right off the bat because it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders- everything just made... sense.
So, even with this new found information, I will not let this disorder break me. I will not let my (unattainable) quest for perfectionism be the end all be all.
I'm still learning to accept there isn't a magical cure; that there isn't an exact way to fully heal from this.
However, I know it won't be an easy process, but it is something I am willing to work towards, piece by piece.