A whole week of eating salads, just to be wrecked by one cheat day.
Everyone wants to be body positive like it's an easy thing to do. How am I supposed to love my body, when I don't really know what that means...
I think my eating insecurities are rooted from my family.
I take full responsibility on the part that is my fault. I'm just saying that I was bound to have a horrible relationship with food from a young age because my family did too.
I know they were trying their best, but they f*cked me up without knowing. When I was young, I never finished a meal; but to be fair, maybe it was because my meals were too big. Eating was such a struggle. I think my family projected their own eating anxieties onto me. My dad's side of the family is fat and out of shape, and I think part of their subconscious couldn't tolerate someone being skinny, even if that someone was a child.
Maria Marrugo
I usually learn my life lessons the hard way. So I basically was forced to love my body, kind of. Last year I had multiple health issues, all revolving around my eating habits. I would get really bad heart burns that would make me feel nauseous and constipated at the same time. I fainted for the first time from not eating, and had really bad bathroom problems.
How did I get there, good question:
I think it started spring of freshmen year (high school) when one of my track coaches told me to "lose weigh" (Yes I was 15).
Maria Marrugo
Keep in mind that during this time, my body was changing drastically. I went from a kids size 16 beginning of the year, to women's size 9 end of my freshmen year. I was never fat, but my thighs were HUGE.
Then I went to Colombia that following summer and my grandma called me fat, and that's when I began to eat less. That first summer in high school was the worst. Not only did I avoid food, but the few times I ate I forced myself to throw up. Then the rest of my summers became my (destructive) routine. I lost 15 lbs in one month. AND. I. THOUGHT. I. WAS. HOT. SH*T.
(first summer throwing upMaria Marrugo
Pretty hard pill to swallow when I realized that something that gave me confidence, was so detrimental.
Why was I finding confidence in not eating? Why do I want to be thinner? Why do I binge eat after I don't eat for three days? Should I start eating cotton balls? When did I start to hate myself?
So there I was starving myself for two days, and binge eating the next. This happened for about two months and worsened my sophomore year in college. I would starve for days, and then drink and binge eat late at night.
(sick with food poisoning)Maria Marrugo
(couple of months later)Maria Marrugo
First I got sick, and then I got tired.
It took heart burns, and fainting until I decided to stop starving/binge eating. It wasn't until months after accepting my destructive eating habits, that I started to fix them.
Eventually, I got tired. Tired of going to sleep hungry. Tired of the headaches. Tired of the fatigue. Tired of having no energy. Tired of the acne. Tired of the heartburn.Tired of getting dizzy if I stood up too quickly. Tired of my hair falling out. Tired of constantly feeling tired, and for what?
The last time I binged ate was for my finals. Although I'm still binge eating, this time it wasn't out of insecurities. I did it because I was stressed, not that it justifies it, but this is my improvement, and hopefully, within the year I won't binge eat even when I'm stressed.
How I'm trying to improve.
Instead of not eating, I snack. I get a granola bar, or carry fruits in my purse. I used to try to not eat during the day, but instead of limiting myself, I just snack on healthy things and trust me when I tell you, I don't feel the guilt after. What has helped me is smoothies in the morning, salads for lunch and veggies for dinner.
Depending on my schedule it's hard to get lunch, depending on classes and group projects, but I TRY not to buy whole meals, and instead by snacks and save meals to make at home. I'm tired of feeling guilty after eating, and I do want to have a better relationship with food. I used to eat small portions in front of people, save it and go home and eat the rest. I realized how much I have to improve and I've decided to take baby steps. Baby steps to revert 21 years of self-hate.
