I used to say that I have commitment issues. That I was afraid of connecting with someone on a very intimate level. That isn't true. What I'm afraid of is disconnecting with someone who I've already established such a meaningful connection with. That's what I fear.

I've recently come to grips with the fact that I have detachment issues. These issues are much different than commitment issues. Here are some things that I deal with frequently.

I can't give up on people.

Recently I ended an on-off relationship of 3 years. It has been extremely hard for me. Doing the calculations, I have spent 6% of my life with this person who I thought was my person. Breaking up for multiple reasons, but always getting back together because I felt responsible for their happiness, for their heart, for their healing. There were a multitude of things that I did wrong in the relationship; I'm not blaming them solely for the failure of the relationship. Not realizing that we weren't the best versions of ourselves together and being afraid of being without them led me to not completely walk away.

I walk away from things (possibly) too late.

Because I can't imagine what my life would be like differently, I tend to stay involved with something for too long. Even if the signs are there early on for destruction, I want to give it the chance for improvement. I don't want to be responsible for giving up on something that could be ultimately beautiful in the end.

I'm destructive.

When I do decide to walk away from something, I don't do that without damage being done. I want to leave an indelible mark. That person, that group, that thing can't forget me. My time was worth too much to be forgotten, to be moved on from.

I'm afraid of change.

Really, all of these things boil down to me being too afraid of change. But, I'm changing that. :)

I realize that these actions aren't healthy for me. In my quest of preventing myself from being hurt by change, I've hurt myself more. I've limited myself way too much. I don't want to do that anymore. This year, I have experienced so much personal growth. That means a lot of personal pain. The two have come together to form this beautiful rose.

Today I am proud of who I am becoming. I might not ever reach the point of not having detachment issues, but I am working hard at un-teaching myself this damning practice. Maybe in the past that defense mechanism worked for me, but not anymore. I am an adult now and progress is what is required of me to get where I want to be. I'm so excited to see where I'll be this time next year.