I have spent my life afraid of commitment. I have refused to commit to people, practices, places and so much more. This fear of commitment has stopped me from pursuing my dreams and especially from cultivating relationships. My fear of commitment has stopped me from getting close to the people I care about and truly creating healthy relationships; however, at the time I didn't see that. All I saw was the fact that I was alone and I had no idea why. This fear of commitment has even stopped me from finding an identity and finding who I am as a person. Yes, I would identify as female, as a student and even as heterosexual. Beyond that I did not identify as really anything. If someone asked specifically if I was a feminist I would say yes, but only if asked.
Although I personally choose not to label myself, others would label me all the time. There were instances where people would not even hear the things I had to say nor give me a chance because of preconceived notions. Although these people were not anyone I would have liked to surround myself with, it still hurt. I never labeled myself because I did not feel the need to label others and I just found it unnecessary. I never felt the need to categorize people on their appearances or sexuality. I don't care if someone is black, white or Mexican. I don't care if you're straight, gay, bisexual, asexual. I don't care if you're a democrat or a liberal. I may not agree with your ideas or opinions, but I would rather find that out through conversation and exploration rather than just basing these things off of preconceived notions, such as a label.
Not only did I just choose not to label myself because I didn't label others, but I was also too afraid to label myself as anything. I was afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid people wouldn't get to know me. I was afraid my ideas and thoughts would no longer be heard because I was labeled as something they may not have agreed with. I was afraid of being alone, but the reality was my relationships were suffering because of my lack of identity.
Eventually, I promised myself I was going to stop being afraid. I was going to stop allowing fear to control me. I even had a friend who started to challenge me on my ideas and beliefs. This was never to change the way I feel or to make me feel a certain way either. This challenge was just meant for me to consider the way I feel. Once I stopped being afraid and once I started to challenge myself, the more I started to become confident in myself and in the things I believe. I also started to identify with ideas and beliefs, which in turn helped me feel even more confident.
Many people connect identifiers and ideas. However, no, I am not conventional in many ways, and some of my ideas may put me in a box, but if someone chooses to take time to get to know me they may realize everything they assumed is wrong. Or maybe they were right, but that's okay too.
Contrary to my thoughts about this destroying my relationships, it has actually strengthened them. I didn't like my ideas being challenged at first because I did't have confidence in myself. I didn't have confidence in my ideas. Instead of feeling as if I am being put into a box, though, I feel like I am growing as a person. As I have gained confidence in myself and my ideas, my relationships have only improved. Instead of becoming angry or upset when my ideas are challenged, I am learning to actually enjoy it because it gives me a chance to explore my ideas and my thoughts and opinions.
Not once have I felt put in a box, but rather I feel as if I have found a sense of belonging with like-minded people. In regards to those who do put me in a box without getting to know me, that is their loss. So anytime you feel afraid to identify as something, anything, have confidence in yourself. Remember the people who are in your life will stay if they are the right kind of people. Even though it feels like you're being put in a box, it can be the most liberating feeling. And if you continue to choose not to identify as something or anything, make sure it's for the right reasons -- not because you are afraid.
