All throughout my life, there have been multiple people who have expressed that depression is all in your head. I have come to the conclusion that they are in fact true, IT IS all in your head, but that is where we split off in beliefs. To them, it is something false, but to me, it is something that I have seen take a toll on me and MANY others for so long.
Depression has been my toxic best friend since I can remember. The friend that we all have had at one point that always comes around and makes your life living hell, but also makes you feel joyous at the same time. Usually, with toxic friends, you get rid of them after a while, to move on and be better, but with depression, you can not just do that.
Depression is the permanent toxic best friend that will always be there. That side you will always have to yourself. Even when you think you have finally gotten over it, it will just pop right back up and continue doing what it does best.
To my best knowledge, depression has pestered me since I was about 13 years old. My parent's officially got their divorce and it left me with a lot of unanswered questions and feelings I just didn't quite understand. Me, being a child, I blamed a lot of things on myself and how I thought I should have been better or done this.
A lot of hardships came my way and I had to see a lot of people hurt that I thought shouldn't have and it really affected me when I couldn't take their pain away. These events caused me to kinda grow up quickly and yes I had parental figures but when your parents are split and they're in pain from the divorce, I kinda felt like I had to grow up by myself.
My growing up was on sadness, not understanding, and never feeling good enough. My growing up was my ole best friend Depression. The thing that has never left, the thing that has always stayed.
As I continued to grow up, I would find happiness in things, and try to be a kid, but there would be things that would take place that drug me back under, a deeply sad place that no one has ever known about, well until now. Whenever the slightest family situation, financial situation, or personal event happened, I would feel like it was my fault and I would worry myself sick about it.
Something someone my age shouldn't worry about but did anyway because it was something you so used to hearing and doing. Whenever something happened, it affected my whole being. I would repeat the situation in my head over and over, and would always find a reason as to why it was my fault. When thinking everything was my fault, I would beat myself up for it, like Muhammad Ali taking rounds of punches at my body, but only mentally.
That all leads up to now. I am now 20 years old and I can STILL say I am here with my BFF depression, but I feel like I understand it a lot more than I use to.
Depression is highs and lows, good and bads, the sadness that ruins your amazing day out of nowhere, the reason why you question yourself over and over and over, but what helped me the best is it's all about how you control it and let it affect your life. I use to think it was such a horrible problem, but I realized it is part of who I am. I have realized you can be happy and have depression.
Depression is the happiness but the sadness. It makes me who I am and its okay to be that way. It is okay to be sad and be sensitive and be emotional. It is okay to have great days and then horrible days for no reason. Do not get me wrong, I promise myself every year I will get more positive and I never do, but I am doing just fine. I have found happiness in little things and try to focus on them.
I could probably go on and on about little things that make me happy. Yes, I will have bad sad days where I will let depression beat me up, days where I let the smallest thing bring me under, but its the fact that I understand and will be okay and continue on afterward, even when sometimes I don't want too. When you accept it for who you are, it gets less bad. I wish it didn't affect me, but it's me. I have come to the conclusion that depression will always affect me and sometimes I am going to struggle, but it's how I choose to handle it. Yes, I am the goofy Brooklyn who trips over the air, but I have a dark side to me as well. I'm just me.
- Everyone handles their mental health different so, if you know someone who is struggling, just be a listening ear and be kind. A lot of people are scared to talk about their mental health, but when they know someone is willing to listen, they usually open up. Talking about it has helped me tremendously and is in its own way a form of relief. Also, if you happen to know someone who needs further help, encourage them to get help.
Lastly, coming from someone who struggles herself,
You're important.
