I Have Depression, But I'm Not Depressed
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

I Have Depression, But I'm Not Depressed

Some cliche paradox

438
I Have Depression, But I'm Not Depressed
PC: Arkady Lifshits

A friend once asked me what it was like to be depressed. The interesting thing is that it’s like any normal day for me—or you, rather. Being depressed is a diagnosis; feeling it is very different. I feel it when my head turns into gray rain clouds that flood my eyes. I feel it when I learn my father is gone again, left rehab, drifting through the in-between that comes with waiting for a bed, a place our mental health care system likes to keep people. I used to feel it when I wanted to get up during class but my heart had chords roped through my back and to the chair. It took too much work to even stand. I’m thankful I don’t feel it like that anymore.

Sometimes the fog comes back, though, when I’m not sure if I’m the crazy one or not. And those are the days I sleep until 1 p.m. and don’t eat until 8 p.m.

It’s also anxiety and the sudden urge to cry for absolutely no reason at all. It’s feeling fine and maybe even giddy for a night out and then being on the floor alone in your room because you don’t want to bring anyone down with your crap. It’s having 10 things to do in the next hour and watching TV instead.

It’s running on shin splints even though it hurts (maybe even because it hurts) at 7 p.m. through the freezing cold common because you have to. Not for any “moral” or “driven” reason, but because your heart is already racing that quickly and you feel the need to literally run from your problems. The fact you think you’re fat is a side note.

Now, now, don’t get all worried. People live through far worse every day and are fine, and they are fine because people learn to just deal with it—or else. Yes, I know that sounded threatening, but that’s because it is. Depression is threatening. I think that’s why it’s so hard, because not only do you already feel like garbage, but you're scared; you're scaring yourself, really.

So I’m fine. Actually, I’m great. I have amazing friends, a supportive and growing family, a great school, and cool opportunities. I’m going to live in the Netherlands for three months next semester, and I have that opportunity because my family is helpful and I work hard (most of the time).

Never mind next semester, I’m going to go watch The Bachelor with two of my closest friends later tonight and none of us care that its trash—we love it, and we have a damn good time watching it.

I have the cutest nephew on this whole freaking planet (probably even universe) and I love him so much that when he was born, I think my heart grew like the Grinch’s did. I get to see him almost every weekend, but even if I don’t my sister Facetimes me. There’s no better wake up call than picking up your phone and seeing a little baby angel face smiling at you and cooing.

So yeah, I’m depressed, but I don’t always feel it. Maybe my situation isn't perfect, I’ve been hurt a few times, and have hurt myself, made mistakes, etc. but that doesn't mean I feel the weight of it every day. When I do feel that weight, I feel it all at once, which can be admittedly heavy enough to keep me pinned to the ground for an hour or so, but hey, if Atlas can hold the world up for eternity then I can hold my little ball of string every once in awhile.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Pexels

Let me just say, first and foremost, happy Thanksgiving! This holiday is known as a time for families to get together, to be thankful for the blessings in our lives, and to dig into a lot of very delicious food that you'll be having as leftovers for the next week. However, this family time is certainly not without downsides, as we are forced to confront certain family members on matters that should best be left out of Thanksgiving discussion, and in my case, this happens to be my father, who is the only republican in our family (that I know of).

(FYI: Since I still live with my dad, it's not just Thanksgiving when I'm forced to listen to him talk about politics, as I had gotten a taste of where he stands just from earlier this year alone.)

Keep Reading... Show less
Peter Truong

If you still have not figured out what you want to cook on Thanksgiving, baked macaroni and cheese is something worth considering. It is simple, affordable, and delicious. I have had many different types of baked mac and cheese and most are dry. I do not like a dry mac and cheese, it just does not seem appealing to me. If you like the creamy cheesy essence of mac and cheese, look no further, this recipe is for you.

Ingredients:

Keep Reading... Show less

As a first-year college student, I've been doing a lot of meeting and introducing myself to people, often with the classic format of "name, hometown, major".

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

This Simple 7-Step DIY Face Mask Combines Safety — And Sustainability

Instead of studying like I intended on doing today, I made a face mask for some reason and thought I'd share how I did.

96447

If you were looking for a simple way to make a mask, I am happy to share how I personally make them. I have a pretty small face in general, so I prefer having my homemade ones so they fit better. This is also a great alternative to just throwing away any clothes! Before starting, you will need to make sure you have fabric, thread, a needle, and pins; if you have a sewing machine, you obviously could use that instead of hand sewing it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

6 Ways To Handle The Stress Of Earning Your Degree From Your Childhood Bedroom

Oh so this was the room where I snuck cookies upstairs past my bedtime and stole R-Rated movies to watch when my parents were asleep and now I'm expected to earn my degree in this very same room?

54664
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

It's definitely not easy, but it's something so many kids are struggling with right now.

Keep Reading... Show less

November is such an underrated month. With all the excitement that comes with Halloween ending and the holiday season around the corner, some people skip over it and go straight to their Christmas playlist. For me though, November is the perfect time to compile a playlist of songs that bring on major nostalgia which I think is perfect for this time of year. If you're looking for something to get you in that thankful spirit before you head into the Christmas spirit or something to play while you enjoy Friendsgiving, here are some go-to songs to add to your November playlist.

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift is famous for her Easter eggs on social media that hint at what is coming next for her. Over the past few days, fans noticed a change in Swift's hair when she was accepting her win as Apple's songwriter of the year that was reminiscent of the "Red" era. Of course, this has caused widespread speculation that Swift has begun to re-record her masters.

Keep Reading... Show less

While joyful, the holiday season can also be stressful for many and that's A-O.K. Plus, with the added tension that is 2020, this year's holiday season is a lot, to put it simply.

This is your reminder to put yourself first and listen to what you're yearning for. Deep down, you know what you need to thrive and I know that you can get there.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments