I know, "depression" is a cringe-worthy word. It's tossed around so frequently and casually that it's beginning to lose its severity. As a college student, we hear words like depression and anxiety all the time. "I am so depressed because I bombed that test!" "This class is giving me intense anxiety." For some, utterances like these are commonplace and don't hold a lot of water. For others, depression is real and it is heavy. Sometimes, people try to understand how we feel when we get the courage to talk about how we feel. They'll say something like, "Oh I understand exactly how you feel. I was so depressed after I got a C on that zoology test."
No. I'm sorry, but that isn't sympathizing. Although some of our friends are truly trying to help, making comparisons like these only undermines the feelings of someone who is truly depressed.
Aside from the college perspective, the Christian perspective can be just as deep and looming. As a Christian who has had her own struggles with depression, I thought I was doing something wrong. Was I not praying enough? Was I not worshipping the right way? I thought that the way I was feeling was some kind of due punishment for my sins, and thus I pushed myself away from God even more. I was drowning in my own dark puddle of affliction, refusing to look up into the face of the One who could save me and grab His hand because of my own feelings of worthlessness.
Most of the misconception regarding depression is that it is born of one's own thoughts. So let me clear the air now- no. I'm not putting myself here like some drawn out pity party. What happens is within the brain itself and is completely chemical. It cannot simply be willed to stop. I used to wake up in the morning and see the sunlight and it didn't make me smile. I didn't thank God for giving me a fresh new morning, but kept myself shut off from Him and willed the day to simply stop so I didn't have to face it. I didn't want to be depressed, and yet it sat heavily in my lap. .
I hid my depression as best I could. I didn't want people to look at me differently, like I had some disease. I was terrified of telling my own father because I didn't want him to know that I wasn't okay, that I wasn't the strong woman he raised me to be and that I was struggling. I didn't want my roommate to know and do little things for me to make me feel better solely for the purpose of saying that she was trying to help me. I didn't want anyone's help. Not even the help of Jesus. I thought, once I fix myself, I'll go back to Him.
But depression isn't a choice, and that's not how God works. God wants the broken and beaten and weak. As said by the Christian rapper KB, "My Lord loves your type." He wants me the most in those still yet stifling mornings when I don't want to see the sunlight streaming through my window. The tugging on my heartstrings weren't guilt, but longing. I wanted Him and He wanted me and I was simply letting my own stubbornness get in the way of real, healing help.
To you, depressed college Christian, I want you to know that someone understands. I know how sinful depression feels. What you need to know is that it isn't sinful. Depression isn't of God. It is born of sin, but is not sin itself. Depression leads you into the darkest corners of your mind, which may even be worse in some ways that any other physical situation we could put ourselves in. The devil lurks there, and that's where he wants you.
That's not where God wants you. He's fighting every dark thought that pervades your mind to free you, even though it may not be apparent there in the shadows where you can't see it. Every invitation you receive from your friends is a tendril of His light breaking through to you, and every mental push that drives you out of bed is fueled by Him.
You are loved. He is the great Healer, and the Word is his prescription. The first and the hardest step is to admit that you need his help, but from there he can take you in and start cleaning the cobwebs from your heart.
I struggle with depression even to this day. I have a prescription of antidepressants on my nightstand and encouraging scriptures of love posted on my wall in a place I must walk by and look at many times every day. But let me tell you that He makes it easier. And also, let me pray for you right this moment so there is no doubt in any nook of your mind that you are not alone.
Father, You are the ultimate healer. You warned us that this life wouldn't be easy. Jesus told us that being his follower would not be a simple task. The world is full of darkness, and sometimes I feel it start to seep into my skin. When I start to turn away from you God, please draw me back in. Nothing in the world can help me the way You can. Please guide me towards the scriptures, towards your heart again, and heal me. I can't do it on my own and I need you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to start another day. Thank you for sending me the morning as a reminder that You are here to help me. I want your help, Lord. Amen.
