Thinking about death doesn't mean I want to die.
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Health Wellness

Sometimes I Think About Death

But I'm not suicidal.

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Sometimes I Think About Death
Photo by Lucas Ludwig on Unsplash

I have depression. It's documented along with anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have gone through more than many my age and older. But this is not the reason why. The reason is my antidepressants sometimes make my depression worse. I take the mean things people say to heart.

I don't like to disappoint others, even though I disappoint myself every day. On the outside I am productive and positive but, on the inside, I feel like dried molded fruit. When trying to talk to support systems, I am shut down because of course, everyone has bad days. They make me feel like I am not allowed to feel bad or talk about it.

My mother, who has been a therapist for over 20 years, listens to me, but how can she help me when I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes I think I know what's wrong. Sometimes I feel like a failure, and sometimes people straight out tell me I am.

Sometimes I'm strong. I think about the fact that I am 36 years old, graduating from college with my bachelors. I have 4 beautiful daughters who are absolutely amazing even when they don't feel like it.

I struggle with relationships and with generational curses passed on from a father who acted like he didn't know how to show up for me. I want to break them, but poor relationship choices left me with kids to raise on my own.

Money is coming in slow; I have lost a lot due to circumstances I didn't feel like I could control. I am focused on trying to change my life. But the rough patch now is hard. I know people say it only gets worse before it gets better. People slowly fall away from you, so you know who is truly there for you but a life without anyone is depressing, a life without a support system turns into a tragedy.

I know I am stronger than suicide, but it crosses my mind more than I would like to admit. I write this, not for sympathy. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or try to help me. I want people who are going through what I am going through to be strong and know you are not alone.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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