The word "independent" always had a nice ring. I like the way it sounded; mature and adult. Even now, it still sounds nice, as it still basically means the same, but with more weight.
When I was five, I used to think that getting my own food from the table made me more adult. Picking out my clothes was a cinch. Not holding my mom's hand and walking down the street made me more adult.
When I was twelve, I thought being able to walk across the street with no adult was okay. My friend and I would make our way to the nearby convenience store and think how cool we were. We'd walk around and talk about how independent we were, thinking about how in a couple of years we could drive.
When I was seventeen, I finally got my license and really thought I was free. I had a car to use, and what seemed like a lot of money to blow on food and trinkets that I found cute or useful at the time. I spent countless hours out of the house, hanging out at 24 hour diners with friends, studying at a coffee shop with a sense of independence where I could go anywhere I wanted in the allotted time.
When I left for college, I felt this sense of dread and excitement wash over me, thinking about the time and sense of what responsibilities I have to do. I felt this weight of being independent, where I didn't know what I was doing. It was here that I started to question my independence in the sense that I was actually all alone, with no one around that I knew.
Now? I'm just chilling. Sort of. Chilling with this sense of trying to understand what I am doing, for general purposes. I've realized for the years leading up to now and even now that I am not independent. The times have changed, I've gotten older and wiser. But as many people would say, not older or wiser enough. In that, as much as I like the "independent," I don't feel it. I want to, but I can't as I have this weight of a culmination of things that come together and humble me.
The way I used to see independence is a state of which you depend on yourself in all aspects of your life. Physically and emotionally. It's like coming to terms with yourself and your situations, and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps to better yourself. Tough, but if you can do that, is there anything you can't do?
I've come to a part of my life where I'm starting to understand the meaning of independence. I've come to realize that it's not all about doing things yourself. It's more of understanding and taking the responsibilities that come towards you, doing what you need to in order to accomplish something. Even if it means asking for help. I used to think that I was independent because of physical attributes: not holding hands, walking by myself, driving around, etc. But the more I grew up, I started seeing independence as this way of being that is made by help, whether it's from other people or for yourself.
So no. I am not independent. But in a way, I am. Just dependently.
