I had just moved out of my home at the age of 16 to go to a residential high school, which allowed a certain number of freedoms (as one could imagine), and I was just discovering who I really was. Up until the time I moved out, I had slowly begun the process of realizing my sexuality. Growing up in Indiana I felt that I should stay in my closet and just hide in it for as long as possible. There are a few obvious reasons I thought like this, such as the deeply rooted religious upbringings of many of my friends and family members, and the social stigma that surrounds homosexuality. Sure, I dated a few girls here and there, but each relationship seemed empty and unfulfilling. I could never connect with them on a level past friendship, leading me into a few years of research and self-discovery.
When I moved out of my house to go to a college preparatory program for two years, I faced my worst enemy and most secret friend: my sexuality. My new school had one of the longest running Gay-Straight Alliance clubs in Indiana called United Sexualities that allowed me to be the person I had to hide for so much of my life. They helped me realize my feelings for other men almost instantly, and I knew what I had to do: come out.
On October 11th I went to my computer right after a United Sexualities meeting and I just wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I sat there for three hours typing away at a letter to my friends and family about how I had felt for years, how I had known I was a homosexual man. I thought about publishing it on my Facebook newsfeed for a while, but I got scared and couldn't bring myself to do it.
After that, the emotional turmoil began to escalate to the point that I didn't feel real anymore. I felt like someone was watching me over my shoulder everywhere I went. I felt like I had missed my window of opportunity to tell the world how I felt. And then I realized that I could just come out. I could just tell the world how I felt without a special day to commemorate my sexuality.
So after almost two weeks of mulling my options over and after my 17th birthday had passed, I decided it was time. After another United Sexualities meeting I was so emotional and ready to rip the metaphorical Band-aid off that I ran up to my room and began typing away. I poured everything I was into one post on Facebook and I texted my best friend, telling her what I was about to do. She rooted for me the whole time as I typed. And finally it was on my wall. I texted my mom right after I had posted it and told her everything. I told her how I had felt for the past couple of years and how I had finally decided to break my silence, fling the closet door wide open, and show the world the full me. I was met with little reservation, and she told me that she didn’t care if I were gay or not, that she would love me as long as I was happy.
That was three years ago, and since then I have become a much happier person. Sure, Hoosiers can get pretty bad about my sexuality and make micro aggressive comments and even blatant comments about it, but that doesn't matter anymore. I have a lot of allies now that support me just as I am. For three years now I have been open and free and I feel like a whole person now. I dropped my facade and now no one has to look at the old "me." They can now look at me and see who I have always been and always will be.
Below is the post I put on Facebook three years ago:
