DePauw is a small school, so the fraternities are all relatively close together. Still, being a few blocks apart can sometimes make all the difference.

Disclaimers:

1. I’m strictly talking about the fraternities’ geographical locations here, not the quality of the houses themselves or the people in them. I think that you’re ALL lovely gentlemen. Even if I didn’t, I’m trying to maintain a certain degree of impartiality here. This is all in good fun, so please don't be offended if you don't like your house's review.

2.  These descriptions are in no particular order, and may vary in length, humor, and actual content. I don't know some houses as well as I know others, but I didn't want anybody to feel left out, so I included everyone.

3.  I’m not a real estate expert, I’m just some jerk who writes articles. 

Phi Kappa Psi: If I lived this close to the Hub’s all you can eat buffet, I would probably get really, really, fat. If I lived this close to the boulder, I would probably go streaking to wake my fat a** up before class every day. Heck, if I lived this close to the Academic Quad, I would probably even go to class every day. Phi Psi ostensibly has the best location of any fraternity on campus in terms of being close to just about everything. I imagine that every time President Casey walks by Phi Psi, he looks at the property longingly, dreaming of the nice academic or administrative building he could put there if it weren’t for those meddling Phi Psis and their Rockpile. 

Beta Theta Pi: Unless you live in Anderson, Beta has a pretty convenient location on campus. If you do live in Anderson, well, I hope you’re a heavy sleeper. The only inconvenient thing about Beta’s location (and this might only have been a problem for me) is that it’s located only one street up from AXO. Beta and AXO’s houses look fairly similar from the front: they’re both big red brick buildings with white columns and swings on the porch. However, as I learned freshmen year, despite the aesthetic similarities of their entrances, Betas and AXOs react very differently when you stumble into their house on a Saturday night and ask where the drinks are. 

Sigma Chi: Sig Chi is located on the same block as Beta and ATO. Out of those three, it arguably has the best location due to its proximity to the center of campus and also Pi Phi. Everyone driving down Locust gets a nice view of Sigma Chi's merriment in their front yard, and Sigma Chi gets a nice view of the races during Little 5. It also seems to be in a location with really good acoustics, because I can usually hear their music from several blocks away. Mumford and Sons never gets old, guys. 

Alpha Tao Omega: ATO is somewhat farther from the heart of campus than most houses, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It has a lot of open space around it which can be nice. Although in order to go most places, ATOs have to cross the massive parking lot shared by three fraternities, a sorority, and two administrative buildings. Look, I swear I’m not the kind of guy who thinks about this sort of thing a lot, but in the unlikely event of a zombie apocalypse, ATO would most likely be one of the safest places on campus to wait it out. All you would need: 3 guards up on the sun-deck and a couple of snipers in the front windows. You’d be able to stop them long before they could even get close! It never hurts to be prepared.

Sigma Nu: SNU’s location has exactly what every Snu needs: proximity to the women. The ladies’ men of Sigma Nu get their pick of either AXO or Pi Phi, since both sororities are right across the street. SNU was also three doors down from Delta Zeta sorority, but unfortunately DZ shut down in 2007...presumably because its members were spending all of their time over with the Snu Crew. Also, Snu is closer than anyone else to Marvins. I daresay those guys have the best of both worlds. 

Phi Gamma Delta: Oh hi Fiji, almost forgot about you over there! Fiji is found on the complete opposite side of campus from the other fraternities, which certainly has its perks. Being so close to the freshman quad gives Fiji a serious leg up for rush. According to the results of an imaginary poll that I made up, the first party that most freshmen go to is at Fiji. Also, (again I have no evidence to support this) they have the best view when their next door neighbor, Theta, does a boulder run. 

Sigma Alpha Epsilon: There’s a lot of factors that would make SAE’s location on campus seem ideal. To their left they’ve got the girls of KKG (who are always down to hang), and to their right is the PCCM. Half of the people reading this article probably don’t even know what the PCCM is, which is precisely what makes it the ideal spot for secluded study. From the west-facing porch of the house, there’s a perfect view of campus across Bowman Park that looks downright majestic when the sun is setting, and is the main reason why so many SAEs turn into lazy porch bums. However, it’s what is behind the house that causes problems. SAE is located only a few yards away from Ridpath Elementary school...those poor kids would be better off if their school was next to a toxic waste dump. Also behind SAE, there are several residential Greencastle homes, including that of the late culinary entrepreneur and presidential candidate, Marvin. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great man and I appreciate him for bringing mac bites into the world. However having been his neighbor for years, I can say that if there was one thing Marvin loved to deliver its noise complaints. Sorry...was that too soon? 

Phi Delta Theta: Phi Delt’s location is pretty far off the beaten path, or at least it was until now. With the upgrades to Anderson Street, DePauw’s official entrance has been moved right to Phi Delt's doorstep, making them the first thing that most people see when they arrive on campus. The Age of Phi Delt is at hand. Tremble before its newfound prominence. 

Delta Tau Delta: Hey, at least you’re not DU, right? 

Delta Upsilon: Seriously...where the hell is DU even? 

Photo courtesy of facebook.com/sigmanubetabeta.