I am a perfectionist, but probably not in the way you're expecting.

I don't get mad at myself if my room is a mess. I don't get angry if I get an 80% on an exam (in fact, after the semester I've had, I'd actually consider this a blessing). I don't keep my papers wrinkle-free and my clothes perfectly hung in my closet. At first glance you probably wouldn't think I'm a perfectionist, but the truth of the matter is that I am.

I demand a level of perfection from myself, and the thing that gets me the most is that I accept far from perfection from everyone around me.

When my coworkers make a mistake, I don't get sassy. I turn it into a teaching moment and I help them in the kindest way possible. When my friends show up late to our dinner plans, I'm overly accommodating to the situation and just thankful for the time I get to spend with them. When someone uses me as the emotional punching bag (again), I give them second and third and twentieth chances.

But when I make a mistake at work, I apologize to my boss profusely. I go cry in the bathroom and beat myself up as I look back at the eyeliner and mascara combination running down my cheeks. I tell myself this is why nobody likes me, why I'm never going to get my dream job, why I don't have someone holding me at night. When I make a simple mistake in a task that's asked of me, I feel like shit for days on end. I go out of my way and check and double check and triple check to avoid it ever happening again. When I'm late, I'm not accommodating to myself. I mentally abuse myself for taking the extra two minutes to grab a snack before I ran out the door. I'm nothing close to nice to myself, even though I'm nothing but nice to everyone else.

Why am I like this? Why am I perfectly okay with less than perfection from every single person around me, yet never okay with anything less than it from myself? Why do I hold myself at a standard much higher than the others?

The truth of the matter is, it's because I care.

I care about other's wellbeing so I'm good to them. I don't want them to ever hurt themselves because of their mistakes as much as I hurt myself. I want them to know things are okay. And I also care about doing the absolute best job possible. I want people to say nothing but good things about me when I'm not around and to think of me as a necessity to their team. I doubt myself and my ability to ever be that for anyone, so any time I show even the slightest flaw, I mentally hurt myself to avoid it happening again. I want nothing less than perfect because I want to be appreciated, but mostly because I care.

I care so damn much. Always have, always will. I'll carry that with me until the day I die, even if that means I'll always be hard on myself and soft to everyone else around me.