I'm currently a month away from my high school graduation, and I can't help but think of the things I've done these past 4 years. You might not see it, but I'm literally always panicking about the past and what I could have done differently.

I think I've always been worried about everything I do. Sometimes, I'm completely unable to live in the moment, not because I'm a micromanager, but I'm often weighing the pros and cons of every single situation I'm in and whether or not it'll affect me in the long run. However, I still make so many mistakes along the way. I have a phobia of making imperfect decisions. Even if my initial decision is deemed appropriate or smart, I still pick at every raw detail and open seam.

In this context, I worry that I didn't do everything in my power to make the people I cared about in high school know that, for this short time, I appreciated the role they had in my life. Maybe, in a series of careless acts or hurtful words, they lost that sureness in me. However, this isn't about whether or not I cared about what they thought of me. I only truly cared about how they felt to be around me.

I care so deeply for such a short list of people that often times, it seems difficult to even think of how life was before them. I have one group of amazing friends who have given so much to me over the past couple of years. I'm a sarcastic jerk at times, and they still love me. That doesn't mean I'm horrible all the time, of course, but when I am, I always hate the person who acted that way. That's probably the reason I'm terrified of any and all decisions. A joke is a decision. Communication is a decision. Even a look is a decision. I realize that I'm not the best at communicating, so it only stands to reason that my ability to reach an internal verdict is slightly impaired.

I learned from an early age that you should always leave a place better than when you found it. I've gone through school, what with being a part of multiple clubs and organizations, desperate to actually make a substantial difference in someone's life. Yeah, lots of people can say that I did, but the fact of the matter is that in many instances, I'm left questioning the potential I had to go even farther. I don't regret anything in my life, I'm just weary of what I could have done. Life was and is still so full of unopened doors, I just wish my "pros and cons" list didn't get in the way.