It's always the worst day of the year. It's built up after weeks and weeks of knowing another year has passed by and more days have past that you wish they could have been there with you, but they can't.
When an anniversary is coming up, I start having a really hard time thinking about anything but the anniversary. Another year without them. Another year of wanting to tell them something and not being able to. Another year of wishing you could hear their laugh, or even their cry. Even one day without this person in your life is hard -- having to do it for years is earth shattering.
My whole world changed almost 2 years ago when my best friend passed away. And every single day since, I think about her and miss her. Some days are harder than others, of course, but the anniversary of their death is always the worst. I'm so worn down and sad on this day, as sad as the first day I found out I wouldn't get to hear my best friend's laugh anymore. The date of an anniversary hits you harder than any other bad day because it makes you remember the first time it actually happened -- all those horrible memories come back to you and all the painful emotions you felt on that day repeat themselves. Anniversaries differ from the other hard days because it's a reminder that it's been another year without them, which is such a hard fact to face. I'm reminded that I've had to go through another year of not getting to watch episode after episode of Prison Break with her, or play with dogs with her, or stay up all night talking about the meaning of life with her. I miss her so much more than usual (and I miss her a fucking lot). As soon as it starts getting cold outside, the weight of her anniversary creeps up on me. I can physically feel it. All the thoughts I usually push away to get through my busy day-to-day all come to the surface. When it's an anniversary, these thoughts come pooling in and I can't help but fee overwhelmed and beaten down by them. And honestly -- it's totally okay.
On this day, you'll probably want to just lay in bed, cry, listen to sad music, and not talk to anyone. But I think it's so important to remember them on this day, to celebrate the life of someone that was so influential, so cherished, and so loved. Tell stories about them to everyone around you, write a poem, watch old videos, try even talking aloud to your person; anything you can do to recognize their significance and their life. Finding whatever healthy, and constructive ways of coping with this amount of grief on this day differs for each individual, but I find it to be so meaningful when struggling on this anniversary.
Also recognize that you don't have to go through it alone -- surround yourselves with friends and family that understand how hard this day is for you, I guarantee they'll do whatever it is you need. Talk it out, express your emotions, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable and raw. Reach our to other's who have lost this same person and talk about their life and your adventures together.
You're going to feel guilty, depressed, nostalgic, and probably angry. It's not fair what happened to you, how this person was ripped away from you, but life has to go on. Celebrate their life, feel gratitude and joy that you were lucky enough to have them for the short amount of time you did, and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. As much as you wish they could be here with you now, be happy for the time you got with them -- I know that they would have wanted that for you.
