Dear you,
(To the boy I’ve chosen to love)

What to say to you?
I’ve been asking myself that for a while now.
What could I say?
What could make you understand all that’s made me the way I am?

That’s the thing.
There is not one reason to explain me.
My issues, my worries, my doubts.

I am not afraid to be truthful.
But it is only truthful to say that you can never fully know me.

It is not because I’m afraid to let you know me,
Quite the opposite.
It is because I do not fully know me.

Rewind.

There was a time that I would bury what my mind could not comprehend.
I built a graveyard of moments and memories
that I was too scared to touch.

Fast Forward.

The moments fly in.
They leave me defenseless against myself.
My anxiety, my regrets, and my questions that have no answer.

These things all leave me to reinvent myself.
I will always keep changing,
and that is why you will never fully know me.
But I promise to never hide from you what I hid from myself for so long.

I will keep letting you in.
I will let you open every door, every memory, and every wound until you no longer want to see.
You can ask about the cracks in my family, the clouds behind my eyes, and any boy I've ever loved.

I know her,
The girl you loved before.
It doesn't make me mad.
I'd be lying if I said I've never loved anyone before.

I know that the thought of her will haunt you,
Just like my past will haunt me.
I still can't function with him in the room.
Every now and again he still crosses my mind and leaves an ache in my heart.

But I am sure of the fact that I do not want my past.
I am sure of the fact that I want my future.
I am sure of the fact that I want my future to be you.

And maybe I can never fully know you.
You are like me.
You come with scars, troubles, and moments of regret.

But that's ok.

I am prepared to continue figuring out our ever changing lives together.
I am prepared to help you stay up through the nightmares.
I am prepared to help you to continue fighting,
And remind you what you are fighting for.

I am prepared to remind you every day that you are the best thing in my life.
I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure you never doubt yourself again.
I am prepared to make sure you never feel like you don't have a reason to smile.

I am prepared to let you help me fix myself.
It has always been hard for me to allow someone to have that control.

But I am prepared to trust you.
I am prepared to fully trust my heart and mind in your hands.

And that is because I am in love with you, fully.

Signed,

The girl who has chosen to love you.