Dear Stony Brook University,

You were everything I was expecting, but I experienced a lot I wasn't expecting. To be honest, you were never my dream in the first place. I was a manifestation of someone else's dream to be there. Soon discovering once again, I've cared about another selfish person in selfless ways. It was a hard break up. Now, in order to move on I have to part with you. If I let myself be stubborn and stay, I will be miserable and in more debt than I already am. Instead, I must be persistent in following my own path and dreams. I never liked the Idea of SUNY or Private colleges anyway. I knew beforehand what kind of organization I was getting myself into, yet I fell into the influence. (This is coming from someone whom it's hard to influence or get to do anything she doesn't want). I left my job, my family (who needs me anxiously), and friends who have genuinely been there for me and supported me every step of the way for this over priced and over rated community that felt nothing like a community. (No offense to anyone who loves the school). I realized that I was surrounding myself in this surreal environment where I just don't see a lot that makes sense. Maybe it's just my perception, I don't see the school worth it despite its 'popularity'.

From what I have learned from observing the media, and those mean girls in high school, popularity doesn't mean shit. I can not express how annoyed I would be every time someone asked me what college I go to. The second I said Stony Brook I got an "oh wow that's a great school." Yet no one ever says what's so great about it. Sure, they made a bunch of inventions (mostly student inventions they may have made a profit out of...this is just my hunch since I have heard of this occurring). Sure, the school has a lot of money too but I do not want to give half my earnings away to loans for a bachelor's (lets be real, masters, PH.D, etc. Those are the ones worth taking out loans for...especially since financial aid stops covering for you). Sure, it's so popular apparently the favorite rumor is any place will hire you at the sight you have a degree from this University. Not to mention the dorms are not worth it either. My apartment in the PROJECTS is actually nicer. Anything nicer such as TOLL or apartments is too pricey to be away from home.

They say going away to college helps students become more mature and responsible. Yeah, I kinda was already doing that back at home. I guess I am at a different level of seeing, thinking, and living than Stony Brook. I'm too strong minded and soul ignited to let any of this bring me down any longer. I am usually bubbly, optimistic, happy, motivated, and energetic. After learning everything is not what it seems, my bubbles were popped, my optimism was countered with others jealously and frustration. My happiness was shut down as I noticed I was away from everything that made my happy. My job with kids, my friends that live a bus ride away, my anxiety being mended and soothed as I would walk the busy streets of the city every day. My motivation killed as I saw myself slipping into debt when I had done such a glorious job at keeping my bank account and budget in balance. Keep note, I have paid for everything myself out of pocket. My job at Starbucks on campus was minimum wage and minimum amount of hours. Professors aren't there for teaching, they are there for their OWN research. Students are just on campus to have fun and live away from their parents, to claim their thirst for independence because they're old enough now but yet still too young for most adult independent things.

Let me just take a second to bitch about the meal plan... WHY IS MY FREEDOM OF CHOICE BEING TAKEN AWAY/MANIPULATED FOR FOOD I DO NOT EAT. I actually can not have meals, I snack or munch every 2 hours till 5 pm. Over priced, unreasonable, I don't even eat a lot. Call me picky, I DON'T CARE. You try having digestive issues that cause discomfort and embarrassment throughout the day. I eat specific things, at specific times at the day. I don't eat pizza, burgers, fries. I CAN NOT have just, spinach salad with only melons every day. I did my first few weeks...I lost 7 pounds my first week and I looked pale and sick. I take very close care of my health, I make sure I get the nutrients I need from produce you buy AT A SUPERMARKET, sue me. Oh and I do not have money to pay for my own groceries AND the meal plan. Eventually I became a product of my environment. I started eating meals, I started eating what would be available: usually pizza, or fries, or burgers. Since I lost so much weight (muscle mass mostly), I began to eat my depression away. In two weeks I gained 11 pounds (and it wasn't muscle and it wasn't nutrient rich for my brain during finals week either).

I have looked over the positives of going to a prestigious school such as this one. After all, I am a student here aren't I? Sure, it's a nice campus, there are some good programs and professors here (mostly math and science I have heard). It's well known and useful to be a part of something so popular. There are the things you can do on your own without parents calling or asking where you are or what you are doing. You get to meet people from all over! Make new friends, connections, opportunities, etc. But you can get all of these at any college actually.

Although from the perspective of an old soul who was a transfer in the middle of her degree, who has grown up family and culturally oriented (I am Americanized but you cannot tell where my heart is till you sit down and talk to me), who has been independent on her own motivation but interdependent on loving her friends and family and having the love circle back around. I learned the American dream of being independent, hard working, striving to be at the top school, to have the top notch job, high salary, expensive fancy car, big fancy house in the suburbs, and making sure you be selfish in getting what you want just because you want it. It's not worth risking my happiness, my morals, logic, humanity, ideas, and mental health for something so temporary and so financially damaging too. I refuse to self-justify reasons to stay anymore. I use to work two jobs full time, go to class full time living back at home. I barely got sleep at home too. I always got home late, barely had time to study like a Stony Brook student does. I never got below a B+. Why? I was empowered, competent, self-motivated, inspirational, and received recognition.

Starting out here, I was open minded, I was myself, I was giving it my all. Maybe I am just homesick, maybe I became a little biased, maybe if I had come from a family that could pay for my education and was financially stable, maybe if I came in straight my freshman year, maybe If I was a different person, maybe if I had different friends, maybe I'd feel differently. In no way do I discourage anyone about this school or any other school, (besides the cost compared to a CUNY). This is just MY PERSONAL experience. I explained who I am, I explained what went wrong, I explained why. I was angry at myself for a while for all of this happening. I feel like this experience was unnecessary. Yet I believe everything happens for a reason. Every experience gives you an important lesson, there is something to gain from everything. I gained a new perspective, I gained greater gratitude, I lost and regained my freedom, I learned how to miss myself and learn to never let this happen again. I met some cool people, I did. I experienced a Sikh temple, I got to sleep over my friends during the weekends sometimes, I got to work at Starbucks, I got to meet international students and see life from their perspective. I got to meet people from different states and what their auras were like. Not everything was bad, I had good days. I had good times. But, in order to reduce my dissonance, my behavior needs to start matching with my attitude. My attitude of who I am and what I believe in. I already started getting back to my routine since I got back home. I think I'm going to stay home. Which leads me to say, Hello Queens College, Good-bye Stony Brook. It's been real.

_Namaste_ <3

P.S: WATCH THIS VIDEO THAT MADE ME CRY BECAUSE I LOVED EVERYTHING HE SAID AND HELPED ME MAKE MY DECISION TO STAY OR LEAVE. #Self-Motivation