Dear Smartphone,

I am writing to you. Uhm, I mean texting to you to tell you that we have a problem.

You see, our relationship is strained. Ya know, it’s complicated. You’re my best friend when I need to talk to my actual best friend. You are my confidant. After all, I tell you all of my deepest feelings and when I hit “send,” you deliver it to my real best friend. You know, even though I told her she is the only that knows, we both know I told you first. Also, you’re the best at keeping me occupied. I mean after all, I am an adult. However, if I’m waiting in line at the grocery store or feel awkward sitting at a table alone, you keep me occupied until another breathing human arrives.

And wait…the best part! You don’t judge me for the endless selfies I take. I mean granted, when the lighting is bad you show me my worst dark circles, so I guess you might be my actual BFF; you tell me what I need to hear. Or, in this case, you show me. Yikes! Why do you have to be so honest?! Even worse. Smartphone, you’re like a boy. You make me cry too!!!! Ugh, sometimes you freeze up, or delete an important text.

OR, you’re also the unfortunate middle man between myself and the person I’m trying to have an awkward conversation with aka my best friends, aunts, mom. Yeah, I know that sounds complicated…but you get me in touch with the weirdest people sometimes. Do you remember that time we had that convo with that girl in Spain?? She seemed nice! But she was an expensive feat.

Also, smartphone, I mean, best friend, you die on me at the worst possible times. Like, best friends are supposed to be with you through thick and thin. Now you decide to ditch me when I have a four hour car ride…thanks! Sheesh. Also, can we talk about how you bother me endlessly in the mornings? You just keep talking and talking until I get up. Yeah, I made you at 5, 5:30, and 6. But you won’t keep your mouth shut…every 15 minutes you find it necessary to buzz in my ear. How dare you? After all, you’re my bff, you know I need my beauty sleep…duh! Oh right, that’s wat I meant to tell you…we r not friends anymore. U jus liked my exes pic from 80 weeks ago; thanx.

We r done. K, bye.