Dear Santa/God/Mr. President, (because you’re really all one in the same aren’t you?)
We have looked for the silver lining repeatedly in 2016 to no avail. We’re hoping Christmas, a time of miracles, may be the glaring exception. A man who said “Grab them by the p*ssy” is our elected head of state, but Leonardo DiCaprio did win an Oscar, so not all hope is lost. The people of America, and the people of the world, humbly ask you for at least these five things this Christmas:
1. Make Disney racier.
Disney has progressed from the damsel in distress angle to feminist focused films, like Frozen, and even representation of minorities, like in The Princess and the Frog. But don’t you think it’s about time we saw a lesbian, gay, or even transgender protagonist in a Disney movie? I think parents would leap at the chance to expose their children to the LGBT realm at such a young age.
2. Continue to deny climate change.
As of today, “the amount of carbon dioxide is higher than at any time in the last 650,000 years”, and statistical analysis by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change suggests that “global temperatures are expected to grown within the range of 0.5°F to 8.6°F by 2100”. But this means nothing, right?
3. Raise college tuition rates.
Without scholarships, I would be paying close to $65,000 per year to attend SMU; out-of-state tuition at University of Washington is $50,000 per year, and New York University in-state tuition is roughly $42,000 per year. Students typically earn minimum wage ($9-12 per hour) at their 12-18 hour per week job. That can easily cover standard tuition rates. Why not increase them? Americans love a challenge.
4. Put Harambe on Mt. Rushmore.
The famed ape, who was unlawfully killed on May 28th of this year, deserves as much commemoration, if not more, than our country’s renowned leaders. Therefore, we should erect Harambe’s head onto a national landmark; it’s only fair.
5. Allow Kanye West the opportunity to see himself perform live.
In 2013, Kanye said, “My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live”. Grant this God who walks among us mere mortals the privilege of seeing himself in concert; it may even prevent him from experiencing mental breakdowns mid concert.
We hope this isn’t too much to ask for; we'll be praying or drinking in the mean time.