Dear Mr. Toxic,

It is currently 5:30 am and I’m up writing this stupid letter to explain why I am up so early. I wish I could sleep... But I lost that privilege of a nice sleep schedule when I lost you. There is a few things I wanted to explain to you, but I could just never put them into words... Until now. Let me say one thing first, I truly HATE who you made me turn into.

Most people say they want the nice news first, so I guess I’ll say some nice words.

Thank you...I guess.

Thank you for the few nights you stayed up with me just because I couldn't sleep.

Thank you for coming to my shows or even stupid car rides with me.

Thank you for hanging out with me and my friends.

I wish I would have known...

That the nights you stayed up with me, were just so I wouldn't talk to my true friends about how awful you truly made me feel.

That you coming to my shows was just to make sure I was truly there and I didn't go anywhere else without telling you.

That you telling me you were tagging along with my friends and I was so you can control how much fun I was having.

I should have woke up when...

You were always demanding me: telling me where I can and can't go on the weekends.

You telling me to leave my guy friends but you were able to flirt with other girls... And I had to act okay... Because if I mentioned it, it went into a screaming match of you screaming in my face telling me you wouldn't talk to other girls if I was actually good enough.

My friends told me they noticed me being more closed up, always looking around me to make sure I was okay to do something. I wasn’t able to even look at someone without you thinking I was cheating on you... Which also led to a bigger fight, which led to you ignoring me and talking awful things about me to your friends.

I was so weak...

For some odd reason... I thought this was love. Nothing could tear us apart, I accepted you treating me like garbage because I thought you loved me. You put on such a good act around my friends and even my own family in the beginning. I accepted the love I thought I deserved and boy was I SO wrong.

Love is NOT...

Love is not crying on my bedroom floor after I hung out with my friend because I knew you would yell at me telling me how stupid I am, and how useless I am to everyone.

Love is not waiting by my phone all day because if I didn't answer you in 40 seconds you’d say I was cheating and blast it on social media.

Love is not being forced to kiss you in public when I clearly said I did not want to. But you gave me the look of anger.. so I did it anyway.

Love is not making me stay up for hours wondering why am I not good enough.

Love is not... you.

I’m done with you...

I’m done because all you did was make me terrify my own life day in and day out. I couldn’t breathe without feeling like I was doing it wrong. I canceled so many plans with my friends because I was trying to avoid a fight with you; meanwhile you were out having fun with your buddies. I couldn’t leave my house without telling you where I was going because if I did, you would purposely ignore me for four hours. I could never mention breaking up with you because every time I did, you would say you were going to overdose on your depression medicine. Now... If I said that to you, you’d let me drown in medicine for hours; but I... I am not you.

Although you make me question everyone on my worth daily, I am not you. I will never let someone go to bed feeling the way you made me feel everyday. I lost so much sleep over you because you made me feel as if I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to sleep happy or even okay. I had to be up all night to talk to you in case you woke up in the middle of the night.

I’m not me anymore...

I can't tell you the amount of sleepless nights I've had.

I can’t tell you how many times a day I apologize over and over to one person over me just looking at them.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I didn't hang out with my friends even after we broke up because I thought I wasn’t allowed.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I asked one of my friends if I truly meant something to them... I felt like I had no purpose on this earth because of you.

Yet... I still stayed.

I stayed with you for a few different reasons.

One being, I didn't want you overdosing... Although sometimes I wish I would have.

2: I loved you so much... I figured it was just a stage you were going through. But 5 months is not a stage.

3: I thought you loved me.

I know this letter is all over the place, I don’t even know if I’ll share it but at least my point is made. You may not have physically abused me, but you sure made it feel like you were with those words tugged around my throat. I am now taking your words out of my mind, and finally saying, this is my goodbye.

I’m not sorry...

Love,

The Girl Who Should Have Left.