Dear Mr. Officer,
You probably don't remember my name. You see women like me every day. Well you probably only see about 35% of women like me. You probably don't remember me because you morph us into one being. I am a rape victim, who reported to you twice. I am the rape victim who reported a detective to Internal Affairs. I am the rape victim who was turned away twice because your officers couldn't and wouldn't be bothered. I am one of the rape victims you let down.
Rape is the most under reported crime, and after going through what I went through I can understand why. It is severely mishandled, the survivors are severely mistreated and we get told theres no help if we can't prove it. I sat in your precinct on TWO separate occasions, for TWO different rapes. I sat in a room that was cold, small, and that had handcuffs on the wall behind me. A room where my rapist belonged. A room neither one will ever see for what they did to me.
The first time I reported, I was told by a detective that rape was a "life lesson" that I "learned the hard way". Internal Affairs treated me with more dignity and respect, which is saying something because apparently not only do I have to prove I was assaulted, I have to prove you said those things to me. You denied it, I'm not surprised. You waited a whole month to tell me that you spoke to my rapist. A MONTH. I said over and over how much I was i fear of him. I guess you thought since he didn't physically hurt me that there was nothing to be afraid of. You made that choice for me. You didn't bring him down to sit in that cold, small room with the handcuffs on the wall. he got to sit in the comfort of his own home, while I went down to the station to report, to follow up, to make sure someone was doing something. He didn't ever have to. Another choice you made. You mishandled my case, no matter what anyone else tells me, you, Mr Officer didn't give me a fair chance to fight.
Mr officer, I didn't need to be raped to know how mentally strong I am. I didn't need to be raped to know how supportive the people around me are. I did not need to be raped. You see, rape isn't a lesson, rape is a humiliating and violent act on a human being committed by a power hungry animal. You implying that I was at fault because I let him in my house for sex, is wrong. As an officer of the law you implying I am to blame for my rape is unprofessional and
unethical. Would you blame a 5 year old who was molested? No. So why blame a 18+ year old women. I was just as scared and defenseless as that 5 year old.
I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time, 3 years later I was right back at your station again to report a second attack. You first entered the room, the same small, cold one with the handcuffs on the wall. telling me that if I am lying I'll go to jail. Lying. Lying about being taken to my car by a man I just met and being taking advantage of. Lying about being too drunk to move his hands or do anything but scream until he left. You told me over and over how I shouldn't be drinking, that if I wasn't drunk I would be more in control of my surroundings. I been through it before, I don't know why I thought it would be any different. I was never given a minute to sober up. I was told my alcohol intake was the reason for my rape, not the fault of the man who did it. I was told that I didn't need a rape kit. The officers talked my parents out of taking me to the hospital to get a kit done. Something I'm pretty sure is unethically and maybe even illegal. Whats even worse was a room full of you "protectors" stood there and dismissed my screaming threats of suicide. which were partly true, partly just a way to get to a hospital and take a rape kit.
One of my rapists basically confessed. But being as you never recorded the phone call theres no proof. Just words that you told me. The second time your officers told me that there were too many holes in my story, when the only things I couldn't remember was how i got to the car and how he left. But it shouldn't matter, I remember every horrible second of what happened before he left me in the backseat crying. If people could read survivors minds there would be no victim blaming.
You expect us to prove that a rape occurred. Does a rape victim look any different than any other victim of a crime? We don't wear body cams, we aren't always beaten. So tell me, Mr Officer, how can we prove it? Why do you, an officer, get to decide wether I was legitimately raped or not? Was my emotional reaction telling you every detail not enough? Did I not cry hard enough, did I cry too much? Was the fact that I knew him make it okay to violate my body?
Was my alcohol intake to blame? Officer, why are you the one who decides if MY body was violated or not? Why do you think you have the right to tell me that my actions caused me to be raped? Why isn't his actions accountable?
We don't report enough for your liking, so you shame us into it by saying "If you don't report he's going to do it to another girl". But you see, Mr officer thats hard to do when you blame us, and imply that were lying. Keeping our rapists from reoffending is also, NOT the survivors responsibility. Its YOURS. Your job is to protect the community, as a survivor our job is to heal. Mr Officer, we don't ask to be raped, we don't ask for the physical, mental and emotional toll rape takes on us. We don't ask for the PTSD, the flashbacks, the nightmare thats consume us. Or the crippling depression, the feeling of shame, the disgust of having our bodies so violated that no amount of soap or showers will ever clean off. Until you been where we have been you have no right to tell us what we need to do in order to heal. Rape doesn't last a "moment". No, rape lasts a lifetime. Its not something you get over in a few years, its something that takes a toll for a lifetime. So, every time you blame one victim you're blaming ALL of us. We don't deserve it. We don't deserve any of it. Mr Officer, we are pleading for a better system. We are pleading to be treated with respect and dignity. We are pleading to be protected, from our attackers but from Officers like you who revictimize us. We need you to do better, we need you to care more. We need it so the justice system as a whole can change.
Sincerely,
The survivors you let down.
