"...I pray God would fill your heart with dreams / and that faith gives you the courage / to dare to do great things / I'm here for you whatever this life brings / so let my love give you roots / and help you find your wings / it's not living if you don't reach for the sky / I'll have tears as you take off / but I'll cheer as you fly..." ~ Mark Harris, "Find Your Wings"
Dear Momma,
You taught me to fly. We used to ride in the car and listen to the radio, always one Christian radio station or another. I remember, one day, in particular, we were on the way to school, and when I looked over, I saw the tears spilling down your cheeks as the song's first notes flowed through the radio, like God himself reaching down and touching our hearts. As the last chords struck, you leaned over and turned down the radio; you told me that this was your song for me, that all you want in life is to see me fly.
The only problem is, you made our nest too cozy, I've never truly said goodbye to you. Not one time did I feel you were being unfair and had to get away, not the day you dropped me off for my freshman year of college, and not the day you dropped me off for my second freshman year of college. I could never truly leave you behind, not when I felt the pain of your absence in my life every day. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I should start at the beginning.
You were 40 years young, looking 25 when I was born. You and dad already had two boys, bless your heart; I don't know how you did it. You suffered bed rest and a hard road of depression to bring me into this world. You have told me how you prayed for a little girl and just when you had given up hope... surprise, here I am. Most women wouldn't have been strong enough to deliver a baby at 40, but then again you are the most tenacious woman I know. Dealing with a toddler running around, turning into a mouthy adolescent, it couldn't have been easy. Not to mention, just when you were about to kick all the baby birds out of the nest you and dad built, here came another. By the time I had started school, you had one child in college, and the other with one foot out the door.
You taught me to fly before I even knew I had wings. I grew up hearing that I look like you, that I could be your twin when you were my age. You have told me over and over again that you know I don't want to look like you, that no one desires to look like their mother. Mom, you don't know how wrong you are, I don't just like looking like you, I want to be like you. The obstacles you have overcome, the people you overlooked. You taught me to fly by example. Now that I am older, I can admit how vital you were to be becoming the woman I am today.
In college, I missed you more than I could tell you. I wanted to call you every day, but I knew that wouldn't help either of us. Staying away from home was the hardest thing I faced in college. It wasn't the classes, and it wasn't the professors. It was getting your letters, wanting to reach out from you, and knowing I couldn't. My second semester of college, I came home more and more. All it took was one trip back to Shelby, North Carolina, and I couldn't stop making that two-hour car ride. I missed you so much. I couldn't come out and say that I missed you, I mean no teenager wants to admit they miss their mommy. So I found one reason or another to come home again.
When I was a kid, I didn't understand why you were so hard on me, why you had such high expectations, I never thought I could even come close to making you proud. So I rebelled. I told you how much I hated you, and how much you didn't mean to me, but I was lying. Mom, you are who I strive to be, you are the wind beneath my wings, the one person who picks me up when I no longer wish to get up. You may not have been the perfect mother, but you did the best you could, and that's all I could ask for from you. I hope someday I'm half the mother you have tried to be to your children.
Thank You, Mom,
Your Devoted And Loving Daughter
