I should hate you -- I should be so mad at you I can't even see. But I'm not. I've spent the last six months trying to get you to see me, not just look at me. I wanted you to see that I have loved you since we were 13. I saw you, I heard you, and I was hooked. I broke your heart, and I shouldn't have, but I was scared of what the world would say if I was out and dating a girl. As I sat with my best friend discussing whether I should take the jump, you sat in the corner and fought off tears because I was lying.
My, how the tables have turned...
I have spent almost every night with you since I moved into my house. You have helped me get through a lot, and we have been through so much together. You held me through the night, and you made it easy to sleep. I can't sleep without you now; try as I might. The way you felt when I said I missed my ex? That is how I feel every time I see you now. You lied straight to my face and broke my heart. But the worst part is it wasn't just once or twice. It was seven times. And each time I waited for three days to be up and for you to come back... Because I needed you. I don't think I realized 'til now that I was in a mild abusive situation. I hate myself. I hate that I would still take you back if you asked. I hate that I still love you even though you have literally thrown my heart on the ground and stomped on it SEVEN TIMES. I hate you. No, I don't...
You are my best friend. My other half; I know that. But you don't. I think you're scared because every time you'd kiss me goodnight, you could feel the truth, and you knew that you didn't want this. You weren't safe here, you could get hurt. So you hurt me instead. And I guess deep down I knew that you would never stay. But I hoped, because every time you'd hold my hand in public, I would smile because I was proud. You would have a look of fear, and every time someone would look at us with a look of disapproval, you would tense up and talk about them looking at us. I should have known then. I should have known when you whispered in my ear that you wouldn't leave, that you would. You never kept your promises. I trusted you and now I don't trust anyone. I feel like a child... Afraid of my own shadow. Because if I trust anything again, I fear I will get hurt. And I don't want to feel this again. So, my walls are high, and I don't think I will let anyone through again.
I hope you are happy with what you did... And always remember, I love you...
