My freshman year of college has definitely been an experience I'm incredibly thankful for and one that I'll never forget. However, it has really robbed me of something I have always prided myself on: my relationship with God. Before college, I attended church pretty regularly. My family has never been super religious, but my parents instilled in me Christian values and always taught me that God loves me no matter what. Well, to be quite frank, the past few months I have never believed that statement to be farther from the truth. Between the declining health of family members and my own mental health deteriorating by the second, I can't help but feel a little abandoned. I hate to have that "why me?" attitude, but really, why me? Why now when I have exams and homework and more stress than I've experienced in my entire life knocking on my door? Why add in a few more blows when I already feel like I've hit rock bottom? I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, but man sometimes I feel like he severely overestimates my stress threshold.
This semester has brought up new challenges in my life: problems I've never faced before and have no idea how to solve. If you know me at all, you know the worst thing in the world for me is when I feel helpless. I feel like my duty on this planet is just to fix everything and everyone, so when I can't fix something, I think the world is crashing down. School and relationships (both friendships and romantic relationships) have really pushed me over the edge so far in 2017, causing me to develop pretty severe anxiety and emotional instability. There have been more instances than I can count when I've snapped at my roommate for simply not washing her coffee mug immediately after she used it, and I know she's come home to me crying uncontrollably more than I'd like to admit. I contribute the majority of these instances to the fact that I've drifted so far away from God. The focus of my life is now calculus, parties and boys instead of my relationship with God. I have been so immersed in the college lifestyle lately that I've turned into a completely different person. Instead of taking time to myself to really enjoy life, I've been doing what I think I should be doing as a college freshman. I miss reading. I love to sing, and I don't do it nearly enough. I haven't sat down and talked to God in months. Instead, I'm in the library having an emotional breakdown because I got a C on a exam and Joe Shmo isn't texting me back. This year has changed me from this carefree, life-loving girl who didn't care about anyone else's opinion to a psychotic control freak who can't go more than 24 hours without yelling at someone or crying for at least 5 minutes. I have turned into the kind of girl that I hate, but it's not too late for me to reverse the damage.
This Lent, I've decided that instead of giving up chocolate or coffee, I'm trying to give up negativity. I'm trying to regain control of my emotions and of my happiness by repairing my relationship with God. It's time to stop being who society wants me to be and do the things that make me truly happy. I have to quit denying myself the simple pleasures in life, break social norms, and rid all drama and anxiety from my life. I'm taking spring cleaning to the next level and really cleaning out my life of unnecessary garbage.
I know that God has not abandoned me. I have turned my back on him. You know that saying "you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped?" Well that definitely applies to God helping you along in your life. He cannot provide you with the guidance you need unless you are actively seeking him and turning to him for help. I haven't been looking for him in my life, and I think it's about time that I faced him and asked for help. Help with handling stress. Help with mediating friendships. Help with life in general.
We are not meant to face this life alone. We need a little help along the way every once in a while. Stop turning your back on God and ask for his help, because with his hands working in your life everything will be better.