Dear Future Husband,

Following a long weekend in elementary school, I came back to find that my teacher had a new last name. She enthusiastically told us she'd been married and to call her what we felt most comfortable with, but hinted heavily she'd prefer her new name. Later, I asked my mother why she had changed her name. "When a girl gets married," she explained, "she changes her last name to her husband's name." Which suddenly explained why my uncles all had the same last name and my mom a different one. "But not always," she assured me as I frowned. "Some women keep their names."

And it was then I decided I would do just that. I wanted to keep my last name.

At seven years old, my decision had far different reason than they do now. I love my last name, though obnoxious to spell and often mispronounced. It suits me, it matches my first initial and it just sounds right. But, future husband, those are not the most important reasons why I will keep my name when we marry.

This declaration isn’t uncommon. In fact, we have met and will meet many women who have decided not to take their husband’s name. Even the opposite is a reality in many marriages. Just this month, news broke that Zoe Saldana’s husband had decided to take her last name, sparking debate over whether or not more men should take on their wives’ last names and what this means for masculinity.

First off, let’s not forget that the tradition of the woman taking her husband’s name is surely a sexist one—it essentially made the woman property of her husband. Luckily, modern romance nowadays doesn’t view it that way, but rather as a way to unite the couple as family and, future husband, if we’re marrying, I know you’re the farthest thing from sexist. Nonetheless, the idea of fully giving up my last name, something that has been my identity for years and year, doesn’t sit well with me. While I will derive great pride in being married to you, I want to be able to sign my name as the one I was born with, not with yours. Married women are surely their own people and taking your husband’s name does not make you any less. Married women are well within their right to take pride in their marital status and I will too. But, I want to identify as the independent woman I grew up as, the one who declared she’d keep her last name at seven years old in her mother’s car.

But, while we’re at it, let’s not forget the newlyweds, the Saldana’s, and why don’t we discuss the possibility of you taking my name? Why, suddenly, is this conversation seen as uncommon? And what does that mean for Western masculinity?

In all, it should be redefining our cultural perceptions of masculinity. Zoe Saldana’s initial objections to her husband’s decision were over how he would be “emasculated.” The name tradition originally indicted ownership, men becoming superior over their wives, as masculine values seemingly direct them to. To do the opposite and take her name would surely deprive a man of his masculinity. It sets up the idea that whomever takes the other’s last name is surely the superior one and the tradition itself implies that this is the man. It implies that ownership needs to be established in a wholesome relationship which is surely damaging. But, what of couples that don’t fit into traditional masculinity/femininity categories? And what of LGBTQ+ couples who want to choose their preferred surname without the leering question, “So, who’s the ‘man’ in the relationship?” And this is all the more reason why we need to deconstruct the patriarchal values of masculinity that dictate how a man should assert himself and would put down a man who chooses to take his wife’s last name or rather any man who doesn’t fit into the “masculinity” box.

Today, the taking of one’s name should not imply any hierarchy in a relationship. Future husband, if you do take my name, it does not mean you are mine, nor would it mean I belonged to you if I chose to take yours. We must continue to open the conversation up, to make it normal for couples to discuss taking each other’s names freely.

So, future husband, let’s talk about surnames! Let’s discuss what we’d like our identities to be in a way that dismantles traditional values of masculinity and femininity. Let’s microwave a bag of popcorn, cuddle up and talk! And, future husband, I know that if we’ve found one another, getting that conversation going should be easy.

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