Dear Friend,
You'll never know how much I loved you. I squashed those feelings a long time ago. Not because I didn't like you anymore, but because I knew I loved you more as my friend than you would ever love me as my lover.
I miss our late night walks, and I miss our late night talks. You managed to make me happy, sad, engaged, and disappointed all at once. I never could understand why you couldn't see how beautiful you are. But then again, I guess I could never see how beautiful you thought I was. You didn't deserve the pain, the derision. I wish that bully never spoke to you, and I wish you never wanted to cut yourself to distract yourself from the pain of the real world. But then again, I do the same thing, so I guess I'm not one to talk.
Dear Friend,
Your dad and mom didn't divorce because of you. I don't care what they told you, and I don't care what you think; relationships that are strong can overcome that. You aren't the source of pain, you're just a symptom. But you are a source of joy. You are a source of peace. When I'm with you, I don't always feel happy. But I feel like I matter. And no one can make me feel like that like you can.
I wonder sometimes at what could have been if things didn't go the way they did. But the thought is too dark, too strange, and I prefer where we are now to the darkness of the unknown.
Dear Friend,
You should tell someone other than me. I'm not enough. You deserve better, and you need help living on your own. I can't fix what they broke, especially because you trusted them with your heart. You let them sleep with you, near you, around you, and they were wide awake the whole time. You told them stories they didn't care about, and they spoke over you when you cried.
Dear Friend,
Where are you? Sometimes I reach out and you're not there. That's fine, you deserve your space. But I want you to know that I miss the dinners we made, and the movies we watched, and I knew about the space you left between your heart and mine. I understand. You deserve your space and I'm not going to pretend I understand it or that I can fill it. But don't think that anyone noticed because I did. I was watching, and I was hurting. Don't think anyone is on your side, because I understand. I'm listening and I think you make sense. I don't know if you're right or wrong, but I think you made sense.
Dear Friend,
I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry you had to go. But I'm glad you left. I hope you found yourself, wherever you are. I know my therapist told me not to love you unconditionally, but I do. Because I understand you, and you understood me. You listened too, and when I cried you helped wipe away my tears. You deserve to find happiness.
Take your time. Because you taught me to take mine.
