The best experience and the worst experience of my time in AOII have involved by Big. I put that title in quotations because, according to my organization, she is no longer my Big. This is a letter to her.
Dear, Biggie
On Big/Little reveal day, I had no clue who you were. I hadn’t yet learned the names of all the girls in my pledge class, let alone the older girls. That didn’t matter, though. Because you jumped out of your grandparents’ car that you borrowed (terrible idea for a big/little reveal, by the way, it’s really difficult) and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe. You knew so much about me, but I didn’t even know your name until you put your number in my phone. We took our stack pictures with our gigantic family, went to dinner, and bonded.
It was there that I realized how perfect we were as big and little. We had so much in common that I thought the girls who paired us together must have been psychic or something. We laughed at the same things, and you listened to my many rants on things I thought weren’t fair. You always put me on your Snapchat Story anytime we hung out with the caption “LITTLE” with the heart-eyed emoji. You were my biggest fan, my biggest shoulder to cry on, and my biggest source of laughter.
Now, you quit and I’m left with my two littles who I knew you’d love, and I’m an outsider in our gigantic family. But, this is so important for you to understand, even though I am devastated, I do not hate you. I never could.
I knew this was coming, but I didn’t want to be right. I knew when you started missing meetings and events, when your grades started to fall, when you always had to work. I knew. I tried to be the best little I could throughout it all, and I hope I was. We would go to the library and study, and to that you’d bring me snacks and things I need to focus. We would go to Cookout after the meetings you did attend and I would let you talk about whatever was bothering you. It was almost like our roles reversed. I helped you study for our AOII exam over FaceTime because you had to work so much we couldn’t in person. I’d save a seat for you at events and meetings I knew you’d be at. I did everything I could to keep you in AOII. It’s ok that it wasn’t enough. I don’t hate you for choosing to quit.
I wish you could’ve stayed, but I know why you can’t. I will always want what’s best for you, Biggie, even if it means leaving me. You are such a selfless and giving person that you don’t ever do what you need to do for yourself. Now you have, and I’m so proud of you for that. Put yourself first; take care of yourself first. That’s the only way that we can care for others.
To me, you will always be my big. You’re irreplaceable (cue Beyoncé). Even if I actually get adopted, (like I joked about when you wouldn’t let me have my way) you will always be my big. You are everything a big is supposed to be to me.
When I got that text from you explaining yourself, I know I didn’t give much of a response. I just barely told you what I was feeling because I didn’t really have words for it yet. So here they are, in truly dramatic Livvy-fashion. It really sucks that you quit, yeah, but I do not hate you.
My littles and I will be fine. They still consider you their grand-big, and can’t wait to meet you. I just hope that I will be able to be to them what you were/are to me. You did what was best for yourself, but that doesn’t stop you from shining AOII in everything you do. You are still my biggest fan and role model, and I don’t hate you. I love you more than anything, Biggie.
Love, your Little
