Dear Cooper,

By the time this article is released it will be a month since I lost you. Time is weird now, it comes in different ways. I mark the days, seconds, minutes, from that Friday around 1. Some days are really slow and some days are fast, it just depends on how bad I am feeling it all over again.

I feel it all in waves. There are times where I am numb and I can't feel anything. I don't know what is what or who is what. I feel empty, lonely, and most of all, I feel everything all at once. It's like there's a missing piece of my life and there's nothing I can do to get it back.

I try hard. Every day I wake up and my first thought is, "Is it real?" I hope one of these days maybe I'll wake up and it'll all be a nightmare, but I know that won't happen. I find a way to pick up the pieces of myself to manage through the day. I don't know how I do it, but I find a way.

Even without you here, I know you're here. You're presence is roaming in small ways, whether it be through a warm, soft smile or a flower blooming in the grass. You find unique ways to communicate to me that you're here and it's the only thing I cling onto... and I thank you for giving me something to cling onto.

Without you this life doesn't seem worth living. How am I suppose to get by without the only person who was ever truly like a big brother to me? Someone so special, genuine, and caring. You were a home for my sister and me when we had no one, or even when we did. You were our savior.

Now whenever things get bad I don't know what to do. Who do I call or text? My first reaction was always you because you were always there. I know you'll always be there, but it's hard not having your arms wrapped around me when all I need is a Coop hug.

All I can think about is the night that you came over. I replay it in my head over and over. It was late, and it had been a hard day for my sister and me. We texted you to come and you rushed right over. You made the couch a snuggle pile where you wrapped me in your arms because of how down I was feeling, and then told me it was going to be okay. Then we all watched "Harry Potter" together until I fell asleep. It was one of my favorite nights because it was a night where I could breathe. You brought us light in the darkest times. I really wish we could relive that night over again.

At the very least, I hope you know we all love you. Every single one of us that were apart of your life, whether it was big or small, we love you. There isn't a person on this earth that could have not loved you, Cooper, because you were the best person we've all ever known.

And I hope you know I think of you. I hope you know I miss you and that you will always be my big brother. No one can replace that spot in my heart, it will be yours forever.

Thank you for taking such good care of everyone, Coop, while you were here and now while you're watching over us. I know we have the best guardian angel possible. You are truly amazing.

And mostly, thank you for loving me. Thank you for all you've ever done. I don't know how to live this life without you, no one does. But I promise that I will do my best for you like you told me to. I will never let you down. I will live this life for you.

I miss you. Every second, every moment I miss you like crazy. And I can't wait to see you again one day.

I love you, Cooper. Family forever.