Dear 2018,

Overall my year of 2018 was a very hard one. Yes, there were ups and downs to the year, but overall I don't think 2018 was a great year for me mentally and physically.

For starters, I found out I had mono, and needed to have surgery to get my tonsils and adenoids taken out due to the fact that I couldn't breathe with my head turned to the side. Right after my surgery in March, I found out that I am allergic to opioids... because I had been prescribed Percocet and I had an allergic reaction to it. This was 2 days after my surgery and the day after my allergic reaction, my on and off boyfriend of three years broke up with me... he definitely could've had better timing. After all that, I started feeling really depressed and my anxiety was very high all the time. I stopped taking my meds (still to this day I don't know why I thought it was a good idea). I started self-harming again, after being clean for about 3 years or so. My best friend, who is also currently my boyfriend, had recently told me his feelings for me and we started dating, then broke up in early July, so I could work on myself for a while. One day I caught up with an old friend from elementary school, him and I didn't talk consistently, but when we would it was just small talk and nothing more. The day we hung out everything seemed completely normal until we were just sitting on my bed and the next thing I knew he was asking me to take my clothes off and I kept saying " No, I don't want to, why are you kissing me?" After he left right away and I sat in my room for hours trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I was sexually assaulted. I got up to shower, and I saw that I had bruises on my hips and my thighs from him being aggressive. I started seeing a new therapist and it was extremely hard for me to talk about what had happened cause I always figured, it wouldn't happen to me, I used to think" It would never happen to me, I would never let anyone do that to me, I would yell and run away before anything happened." Looking back, I never knew things could happen so quickly, and I never thought that it was possible to freeze in a moment like that. I had to learn to accept that I had been sexually assaulted by one of my only childhood friends that I still talked to. My current boyfriend was still my best friend at this time, post-breakup due to the fact it was more of a break than a breakup. I told him what had happened and he came to visit me that weekend, just to be there for me. For the rest of the summer, I saw my therapist constantly while trying to cope with the events of the summer. In August my best friend became my boyfriend again because I told him that I felt ready enough.

Fast forward to the start of school in late August, my boyfriend and I were starting our junior year in college. We got through 3 days of classes and I ended up in the psychiatric ER in the hospital due to a six-hour panic attack. I ended up getting released in a day, but I ended deciding to take the semester off. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in my life; she ended up diagnosing me with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety. Which was a lot for me to take in, being the first time I had ever been diagnosed by a doctor after feeling this for the past 8 years. My therapist had me learn to really dig deep and deal and accept everything in my life that I have pretended to accept, but just pushed them down. One of the hardest things I did was deal with the fact that I had a friend in high school, who tragically passed away in March 2017. When he passed away I was very sad for quite a long time, but I never really knew why. My therapist helped me accept what happened and accept that I loved him as more than a friend and that it is too late to tell him. I had to admit to myself and to my therapist that my ex-boyfriend who I was on and off with for years, had been verbally abusing me and even hit me a few times at the end of the relationship. I had to make drastic changes to my life in order to help myself get better. I even had two suicide attempts in 2018. My most recent one, I tried to overdose. Now, I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone, I'm simply just showing everyone how no one knows what is really happening in other people's world. My meds have been changed and I am hopeful for a better 2019.

Now don't get me wrong, there were. good parts of 2018, I started my year off snowboarding in Colorado, which is a pretty awesome way to start a year. I enjoyed all my classes in the second semester of school, and I did pretty well. My best friend admitted that after 2 years of being extremely close friends, that he really liked me and wanted to date me. It took me a little to realize that I also really liked him as well. We started dating and throughout every hard time during the year he was always there for me supporting me in any and every way he could. I got to see Halsey in concert for the first time which was an amazing experience for me, I've been a fan of hers for a while and looked up to how confident she is. I also had my mom supporting me the whole time as well. I even admitted to her that it felt like she didn't accept me as being bisexual and she explained that she accepts it, but she doesn't fully understand it and I have been trying to help her understand. When I went into the hospital up by my college, she drove 2 hours to me just so I wasn't alone in the ER (my boyfriend took me there but had to go to class). My mom pushed for me to go see a psychiatrist when I came home from school because she knew I wasn't okay. When I tried to OD she slept with me that night to make sure I was okay, after calling the doctor and hearing him say I hadn't taken a fatal dose of the medicine. She compromised with me when I asked for an emotional support dog, she explained that a guinea pig would be better and easier to take care of. I got my little guinea pig and he's just like my lil baby. Thank you 2018 for the good times, and thank you for the bad times because I have learned from them, but I am very glad to have you be over.