It's a very hard sentence to hear, "You have clinical depression." The day I heard that sentence my life changed. I had to visit a doctor but one that only focused on the pain in my mind and not in my body. I had to shove pills down my throat in hope that they'll give me some sort of relief. But it turns out it takes time for that to happen. And it feels as though now that everyday is a constant battle.
When I started college, like everyone else I hoped things would be different, and I hoped that things would get better. But what does, 'things getting better' even mean? Being constantly happy? Having people around who support you? Just being able to function throughout the day? I couldn't figure out a form of pure relief from what I've gone through for a large portion of my life.
College is hard. Plain and simple. It's one of the hardest things I've had to go through in my life. I have been here now for about two months and not only have I felt a sense of independence but I've never felt a greater sense of apathy and loneliness, as I'm sure most college students feel. People expect that most students in college are happy, that we party every weekend and go to coffee shops with friends and laugh and study. But the reality is, with classes, and schoolwork it's very hard to make time with the people you care about. As any college student will tell you, it's very hard to balance your social life and your academic one.
Having a social life is very essential to people with depression and mental illness. Spending time with people who make you laugh and smile can have a positive effect in relief with mental illness. But when you have essays to write, and pages to read you find yourself trapped in your own universe with nothing but you, a book, a pen and a paper. It's not the thing most students dream of when they come to college, at least I know for me it wasn't.
Since I've been here I found that I needed help. Seeking out help was the smartest decision I've made so far. I've joined clubs, made some friends, see a counselor weekly and found a way to work in time doing what I love more than anything else in the world, writing and creating stories. Doing things you love is important with healing and as anyone with mental illness knows, healing is the hardest.
I'm still trying to figure out ways to see the world beautifully and not like something I've been forced to live . But there's a long road ahead of me in finding that. I think college is sort of like a new beginning. It's one of those things that makes you grow up, mature and venture into the beginning of adulthood. College helps you see the future and the opportunities of it that lie ahead. It helps you dream and it helps you make goals to finally accomplish that dream. College truly makes you think of the future and the future can come in many forms. It could be good or bad. It could be both. It all depends on the things you accomplish, learn, and succeed in the present.
Dealing with any form of mental illness when you're far away from home is challenging, but conquering something challenging makes you stronger.
