On Friday, May 27th Disney Channel began to replay every single original movie (DCOM) they had created. Since then I've been reliving my childhood as storms pass by outside of our beach house. I've learned a lot of lessons from these movies that I'm not sure I ever noticed in the past:
1. The Importance of Twins
Clearly every movie is more complete with the addition of twins. So far Double Teamed, Cow Belles and Twitches have proven this fact as only the spirit of sisterhood can save the basketball team, the dairy factory and another dimension. I'm sure the fact that one twin could easily be subbed out for another in certain scenes isn't a part of the reason that Disney Channel seems to adore twins.
2. The Discovery of Latent Magic
I'm not sure how stubborn you have to be to ignore that you have magical abilities. I think predicting the future, guessing every answer correctly on a test or the rapid discovery of skills you never had the day before would tip you off, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Every teenager going through puberty always assumes that growing scales is just a part of the process.
3. Every teen past the age of 13 is finished with puberty
Voices just don't crack, there is never acne and girls are a full D cup; that's the impression I got after watching DCOMs. For example, Ren from Even Stevens was 19 at the time that she played a 14 year old Middle School graduate. She also, without any critical comments dated an affectionate 24 year old islander. Although his age was never mentioned, I don't think any 15 year old has a six pack and muscles the size of a tree trunk.
4. Your Team ALWAYS WINS. ALWAYS.
A real team does not lose in a DCOM. The Luck of the Irish, Double Teamed, High School Musical and Alley Cats Strike all demonstrated this thoroughly. There may be a brief period of loss or difficulty, but in the end, the protagonist will always come out on top regardless of their original skill set.
5. Parents DO NOT DIE on screen
It has become slightly more acceptable for there to be a small amount of death in DCOMs, but it still really shouldn't be addressed. It only happens in the past and character can usually have only one dramatic line that portrays how strong they are even without their loving parent.
6. Breaking out into song is okay.
Disney continues to perpetuate the lie to middle schoolers that you will never be judged for breaking out into song in the middle of the hallway. This is wrong. First of all, I would hope no budding high schooler would try to do this, but if they did, it would not go over well. And then to expect everybody to also hop into a choreographed dance in a skinny, locker lined hallway is also absurd.
7. Every woman is a two or size small
The most striking piece of evidence was in Twitches when one of the twins asked for a size two in her dress. I love body image support, but I can guarantee that at that age, she was not a two. The fact that Disney still felt the need to say that a 21-year-old woman was the second smallest size is actually sad. Being honest could make that number seem so much more insignificant.
