Here is a list of things that Khloe Kardashian is good at.

1. Being the hottest Kardashian.

2. Having perfect hair.

3. Looking flawless 24/7.

Here is a list of things that I am good at.

1. Losing my own car in the parking garage.

So, when Khloe released her book, "Strong Looks Better Naked," I read it faster than you can say "Kylie Jenner Lip Kit." In this book, Khloe describes her "day on a plate," which consists of the following.

"5:00 a.m.: I'm up bright and early and have a huge glass of water and a black coffee.
"6:00 a.m.: I'm off to the gym, ready to sweat.
"8:00 a.m.: Breakfast is another big glass of water, my ideal oatmeal, and a protein shake.
"11:00 a.m.: I snack on an apple with peanut butter or fruit and nuts.
"1:00 p.m.: Lunch is a Chinese chicken salad.
"3:00 p.m.: Snack time! Homemade hummus, chopped veggies, edamame, and another big glass of water (this time infused with fruit).
"7:00 p.m.: Time for dinner. I usually keep it pretty clean, and my favorite go-to is steamed veggies and fish served with my Magic Mash-Up and a glass of water of course.
"9:00 p.m.: I end my day with a bowl of fruit with plain Greek yogurt."

Was waking up at the crack of dawn and eating something called "Magic Mash-Up," that sounds more like a '90s hookup playlist than a health food, the secret to Khloe's perfection? There was only one way to find out. I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. and tried my best to recreate Khloe's routine. Here is a 100 percent real account of what happened. (Spoiler: Khloe would not be proud.)

5:00 a.m.: My alarm goes off. I do not wake up.

5:30 a.m.: I wake up, but decide not to get up just yet because waking up my roommate at this ungodly hour would be rude, right? I go back to sleep.

6:00 a.m.: Yup, I'm still ptfo'd.

7:00 a.m.: I guess that I should get up.

7:30 a.m.: I make it to the rec center which, at this time, is experiencing the equivalent of rush hour. Now, everyone and their dog can see the potato running on the treadmill at four mph (read: me).

8:15 a.m.: I grab a protein shake and oatmeal from Starbucks. I'm not exactly sure what makes Khloe's oatmeal so "ideal," but I do know that my version of "ideal oatmeal" would be to not eat oatmeal at all. I also felt really cool while drinking my protein shake until I realized that drinking a protein shake from Starbucks doesn't actually make you look cool. Instead, it just kind of makes you look like a jerk.

10:30 a.m.: On my way to class, I run through the dining hall to get an apple with peanut butter per Khloe's suggestion. It's super hard to eat while walking, so it turned into more of an apple-with-a-peanut-butter-chaser situation.

1:00 p.m.: I meet up with my friends for lunch and with limited dining hall options, I could not recreate the "Chinese Chicken Salad." I did make a salad, but there was nothing remotely Chinese about it. I also decided to eat the suggested hummus and veggies now because my wimpy Starbucks protein shake was not doing the trick.

6:00 p.m.: I eat dinner, subbing grilled chicken for the suggested fish and skipping the "Magic Mash-Up," which sounds like it may only be legal in Colorado. I later found out this referred to mashed cauliflower, which everyone knows is the opposite of magical.

9:00 p.m.: I do not stock fresh fruit and plain Greek yogurt in my dorm, unfortunately. So I substituted the only thing that I had that was close: red wine. (It's made out of grapes, which are a fruit.) I'm sure that, out of all my questionable substitutions for today, Khloe would approve of this one the most.

"How does Khloe do this every day?" I thought to myself, before realizing that my day turned out to be absolutely nothing like hers. Do I respect Khloe? Yes, I do. Will I be setting my alarm again for 5:00 a.m.? I will never do it again.